The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
I did not go back to my room, but sat on a stair at the head of the
downward flight, with a strange, stunned feeling. Below the voices
went on spasmodically--now a long murmur--now a snatch of song--now an
angry phrase. By and by, I think, I must have fallen into a sort of
stupor, for I seemed to wake all at once to a thunderous uproar.
I started to my feet. Magnified as all sounds are in the moment of
recovered consciousness, there was yet noise enough below to convince
me that a violent quarrel between the two men was toward. I heard my
father’s voice in bitter denunciation.
“You’ve been hawking over my quarry this long while. I’ll tear the
truth out of your long throat! Give me back my cameo--where is it?”
“A fig for your cameo!” cried the other in a shrill voice, “and I tell
you this is the first I’ve heard of it.”
“You’ve been watching me, you fiend, you! Dogging me--haunting me!
I’ll have no more o’t! I’m not to be bribed or threatened or coaxed
any more; least of all thieved from. Where is it?”
“You aren’t, aren’t you?” screeched the doctor. “You leave me here and
I fall asleep. You’re away and you come storming back that I’ve robbed
you. It’s a trap, by thunder, but you won’t catch me in it!”
“I believe you’re lying!” cried my father. His voice seemed strained
with passion. But the other answered him now much more coolly.
“Believe what you like, my friend. It’s beneath my dignity to
contradict you again; but take this for certain--if you slander me in
public, I’ll ruin you!”
Then silence fell and I waited to hear no more. I stole to my room and
crept to bed. I had never changed my drenched clothes and the deadly
chill of my limbs was beginning to overcome the frost in my heart.
It seemed hours before the horrible coldness relaxed, and then
straightway a parching fever scorched me as if I lay against a
furnace. I heard sounds and dull footsteps and the ghostly creaking of
stairs, but did not know if they were real or only incidents in my
half-delirium.
At last as day was breaking I fell into a heavy, exhausted sleep. It
merged into a dream of my younger brother. We walked together as we
had done as little children, my arm around his neck. “Zenny,” he said,
like a baby paraphrasing Zyp’s words, “what’s ’ove dat ’ey talk
about?” I could have told him in the gushing of my heart, but in a
moment he ran from me and faded.
I gave a cry and woke, and Jason was standing over me, with a white,
scared face.
“Get up!” he whispered; “Modred’s dead!”
CHAPTER IX.
THE FACE ON THE PILLOW.
Often the first shock of some unexpected mental blow shakes from the
soul, not its corresponding emotion, but that emotion’s exact
antithesis. Thus, when Jason spoke I laughed. I could not on the
moment believe that such hideous retribution was demanded of my
already writhed and repentant conscience, and it seemed to me that he
must be jesting in very ugly fashion.
Perhaps he looked astonished; anyhow he said: