The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
My passion of hope was done with. I lay in a white set horror, not
daring to move or look. How deadly quiet the room was, but not for
long, for a little stealthy rustle of the sheet beside me prickled
through my whole being with its ghastly stirring. Then I knew it had
secretly risen on its elbow and was leaning over and looking down upon
me. If I could only perspire, I thought, my bonds would loosen and I
could escape from it. But it was cunning and knew that, too, and it
sealed all the surface of my skin with its acrid exhalations. Suddenly
it clutched me in its crooked arms and bore me down, down to the room
of silence. There was a sickening odor there and the covering of the
wheel was open. Then, with a shudder, as of death, I thought I found
the answer; for now it was plain that the great wheel was driven by
blood, not water. As I looked aghast, straining over, it gave me a
stealthy push and, with a shriek, I splashed among the paddles and was
whirled down. For ages I was spun and beaten round and round, mashed,
mangled, gasping for breath and choked with the horrible crimson broth
that fed the insane and furious grinding of the wheel. At the end,
glutted with torture, it flung me forth into a parching desert of
sand, and, spinning from me, became far away a revolving disk of red
that made the low-down sun of that waste corner of the world.
I was alone, now--always alone. No footsteps had ever trod that
trackless level, nor would, I knew, till time was ended. I had no
hope; no green memory for oasis; no power of speech even. Then I knew
I was dead; had been dead so long that my body had crackled and fallen
to decay, leaving my soul only, like the stone of a fruit, quick with
wretched impulse to shoot upward but dreadfully imprisoned from doing
so.
Sometimes in the world the massive columns of the cathedral had
suggested to me a like sensation; a moral impress of weight and
stoniness that had driven me to bow my head and creep, sweating away
from their inexorable stolidity. Now I was built into such a
body--more, was an integral part of it. Yet could my pinioned nerves
never assimilate its passionless obduracy, but jerked and struggled in
agony to be free. Oh, how divine is the instinct that paints heaven
all light and airiness, and innocent forevermore of the sense of
weight!
Suddenly I heard Zyp’s voice, singing outside in the world, and in a
moment tears, most blessed, blessed tears, sprung from my eyes and I
was free. The stone cracked and fell asunder, and I leaped out madly
shrieking at my release.
She was sitting under a tree in a beautiful meadow and her young voice
rose sweetly as she prinked her hat with daisies and yellow king-cups.
She called me to her and gave me tender names and smoothed away the
pain from my forehead with kisses and the cunning of her elfish brown
hand.
“Come, drink,” she said, “and you will be better.”