The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
It was a sweltering morning in early July that I first crept out of
doors, with Zyp for my companion. It was happiness to me to have her
by my side, though as yet my weak and watery veins could prickle to no
ghost of passion. I had thought that life could hold nothing for me
ever again but present pain and agonized retrospects. It was not so.
The very smell of the freshly watered roads woke a shadowy delight in
me as we stepped over the threshold. The buoyant thunder of the river,
as it leaped under the old street bridge seemed to gush over my heart
with a cleansing joyousness that left it white and innocent again.
We crossed the road and wandered by a zig-zag path to the ancient
close, where soft stretches and paddocks of green lawn, “immemorial
elms” and scattered buildings antique and embowered wrought such an
harmonious picture as filled my tired soul with peace.
Here we sat down on an empty bench. I had much to question Zyp
about--much to reflect on and put into words--but my neglected speech
moved as yet on rusty hinges.
“Zyp,” I said presently, in a low voice; “tell me--where is he
buried?”
“In the churchyard--St. John’s, under the hill, Renny.”
Not once until now had I touched upon this subject or mentioned
Modred’s name to any one of them, and a great longing was upon me to
get it over and done with.
“Who went?”
“Dad and Jason and Dr. Crackenthorpe.”
“Zyp, nobody has asked me anything about it. Don’t you all want to
know how--how it happened?”
“He was caught in the weeds--you said so yourself, Renny.”
Vainly I strove to get under her words; intuition was, for the time
being, a sluggish quantity in me.
“Yes; but----” I began, when she took me up softly.
“Dad said it was all clear and that we were never to bother you about
it at all.”
A sigh of gratitude to heaven escaped me.
“And I for one,” said Zyp, “don’t intend to.”
Something in her words jarred unaccountably on my sick nerves.
“At first,” she said, just glancing at me, “dad thought there ought to
be an inquest, but Dr. Crackenthorpe was so set against it that he
gave in.”
“Dr. Crackenthorpe? Why was----”
“He said that juries took such an idiotic view of a father’s
responsibilities; that dad might be censured for letting the boy run
wild; that in any case the family’s habits of life would be raked over
and cause a scandal that might make things very uncomfortable; that it
was a perfectly plain case of drowning, and that he was quite willing
to give a certificate that death was due to a rupture of some blood
vessel in the brain following exhaustion from exposure--or something
of that sort.”
“And he did?”
“Yes, at last, after a deal of talk, and he was buried quietly and
there was an end of it.”
Not quite an end, Zyp--not quite an end!