The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
Once pledged to antagonism, Zyp, it will be no matter for wonder,
adopted anything but half-measures. Had it only been her vanity that
was hurt she would have made me pay dearly for the blow. As it was,
her ingenuity in devising plans for my torture and discomfiture verged
upon the very bounds of reason.
At first she contented herself with mere verbal pleasantries and
disdainful snubbings. As, however, the days went on and my old
strength and health obstinately returned to me, despite the irony of
the shattered soul within, her animosity grew to be an active agent so
persistent in its methods that I verily thought my brain would give
way under the load.
I cannot, indeed, recall a tithe of the Pucklike devices she resorted
to for my moral undoing, and which, after all, I might have endured to
the end had it not been for one threading torment that accompanied all
her whimsies like a strain of diabolical music. This was an
ostentatious show of affection for Jason, which, I truly believe, from
being more or less put on in exaggerated style for my edification,
became at length such a habit with her as may be considered, in
certain dispositions, one form of love.
The two now were seldom apart. Once, conscious of my presence, she
kissed Jason on the lips, because he had brought her a little
flowering root of some plant she desired. I saw his face fire up
darkly and he looked across at me with a triumph that made me almost
hate him.
And the worst of it was that I knew that my punishment was not more
than commensurate with the offense; that my sin had been grievous and
its retribution not out of proportion. How could full atonement and
Zyp have been mine together?
Still, capable of acknowledging the fitness of things in my sadder
hours of loneliness, my nature, once restored to strength, could not
but strive occasionally to throw off the incubus that it felt it could
not bear much longer without breaking down for good and all. I had
done wrong on the spur of a single wicked impulse, but I was no fiend
to have earned such bitter reprisal. By slow degrees rebellion woke in
my heart against the persistent cruelty of my two torturers. Had I
fled at this juncture, the wild scene that took place might have been
averted, and the exile, which became mine nevertheless, have borne,
perhaps, less evil fruit than in the result it did.
CHAPTER XII.
THE DENUNCIATION.
One November morning--my suffering had endured all these months--my
father and Dr. Crackenthorpe stood before the sitting-room fire,
talking, while I sat with a book at the table, vainly trying to
concentrate my attention on the printed lines.