The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
The week that followed was a sad and lonely one to me. My romance was
ended--my friend parted from me--my heart ever wincing under the
torture of self-reproach.
As to the first, it would seem that I should have no great reason for
insuperable regret. The situation had been made for, not by me; I was
free to let my thoughts revert unhampered to the object of my first
and only true love.
That was all so; yet I know I brooded over my loss for the time being,
as if it were the greatest that could have befallen me. Such is human
inconsistency. So he who, vainly seeking some large reward,
condescends half-disdainfully to a smaller, is altogether
disproportionately vexed if the latter is unexpectedly denied him.
I went about my work in a hopeless, mechanical manner that only
scarcely concealed the bitter ache my heart endured. Occasionally, at
rare intervals, I came across Dolly, but formally only and never to
exchange a word. Furtively glancing at her when this happened, I
noticed that she looked pale, and, I thought, not happy, but this may
have been nothing but fancy, for my hasty view was generally limited
to half-profile. Of me she took no heed, desiring, apparently, the
absolute close of our old intercourse, and mere pride precluded me
from making any further effort toward an explanation.
Would that even then I had been wise or noble enough to force the
barrier of reserve. God knows but I might have been in time to save
her. Yet maybe my attitude was not altogether unjustified. To put me
on the footing of a formal stranger was heavy punishment for a fault
committed under motives that were anything, at least, but base.
With Duke my intercourse was confined to the office and to matters of
business. He showed no unfriendly spirit toward me there and no desire
for a resumption of our old terms. He never, in public or private,
touched upon the subject that was nearest both our hearts, or alluded
to it in any way. If I was conscious of any melancholy shadow towering
between us it was not because he sought to lend to its features the
gloom that must be enwrapping his own soul.
At last the week ended, and the silence, that had lain black and
ominous as a snake along it, was awakened and reared itself, poisonous
for a spring. Yet its voice spoke up musical at first.
It was Saturday afternoon, and I was walking home toward my lodgings
in a very depressed frame of mind, when a step came behind me and Duke
fell into step alongside.
“Renny,” he said, “I think it right to tell you. I have taken the
privilege of an old friend and spoken to Dolly on a certain subject.”
I nodded. The mere fact was a relief to me.
“We could only exchange a few words, but she has promised to come out
with me to-morrow; and then, I hope, I shall learn more. What time
will you be at home?”
I told him all day, if there was a chance of his turning up.
“Very well,” he said; “then I will call in upon you some time or
other. Good-by.”