The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
“Now,” I thought, when I got outside, “for the villainous truth. To
strike at me like that! It was worthy of him--worthy of him. And I am
to blame for leaving them together--I, who pretended to an affection
for the girl and was ready to swear to love and protect her
forevermore. What a pitiful rag of manliness! What courage that
daren’t even now tell the truth to my friend up there! Friend? He’s
done with me, I expect. But for the other. He didn’t give her my
history--not he. Perhaps he didn’t as I meant it, but I never dreamed
that he would play upon that second stop for his devils of hate to
dance to; I never even thought of it. What a hideous fool I have been!
Oh, Jason, my brother, if it had only been you instead of Modred!”
I jerked to a stop. Some formless thoughts had been in my mind to
hurry on into the presence of the villain who had dealt me such a
coward blow, and to drive his slander in one red crash down his
throat. Now, in an instant, it broke upon me that I had no knowledge
of where he lived--that by my own act I had yesterday cut off all
communication between us. Perhaps, though, in his cobra-like dogging
of me he would be driven before long to seek me out again of his own
accord, that he might gloat over the havoc he had occasioned. I must
bide my time as patiently as I could on the chance.
Late at night I returned and lay down upon the sofa in the
sitting-room. I felt unclean for Duke’s company and would not go up to
him. Let me do myself justice. It was not all dread of his anger that
kept me from him. There was a most lost, sorrowful feeling in me at
having thus requited all his friendship and his generosity.
As I lay and writhed in sickly thought, my eye was attracted by the
glimmering of some white object set prominently on the mantelpiece. I
rose and found it was a letter addressed to me in his handwriting.
Foreseeing its contents I tore it open and read:
“I think it best that our partnership should cease and I find lodging
elsewhere. You will understand my reasons. Dolly comes first with me,
that’s all. It may have been your error; I can’t think it was your
willful fault; but that she would have refused you without some good
reason I can’t believe. Your manner seems to point to the suspicion
that somehow her happiness is threatened. I may be wrong, but I intend
to set myself to find out; and until some explanation is forthcoming,
I think it best that we should live apart. I shall call here to-morrow
during the dinner hour and arrange about having my things moved and
settle matters as far as I am concerned. Your friend,
Duke Straw.”
I stood long with the letter in my hand.
“Well, it’s best,” I muttered at last, “and I thought he would do it.
He’s my friend still, thank heaven, for he says so. But, oh, Jason,
your debt is accumulating!”
CHAPTER XXIV.
LOST.