The Mill on the Floss — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The Mill on the Floss
John Stuart Mill · en
“Yes, I _do_ know; I know it too well. I know how differently you must
feel about all that affects our family, and your own dignity as a young
woman, before you could think of receiving secret addresses from Philip
Wakem. If it was not disgusting to me in every other way, I should
object to my sister’s name being associated for a moment with that of a
young man whose father must hate the very thought of us all, and would
spurn you. With any one but you, I should think it quite certain that
what you witnessed just before my father’s death would secure you from
ever thinking again of Philip Wakem as a lover. But I don’t feel
certain of it with you; I never feel certain about anything with _you_.
At one time you take pleasure in a sort of perverse self-denial, and at
another you have not resolution to resist a thing that you know to be
wrong.”
There was a terrible cutting truth in Tom’s words,—that hard rind of
truth which is discerned by unimaginative, unsympathetic minds. Maggie
always writhed under this judgment of Tom’s; she rebelled and was
humiliated in the same moment; it seemed as if he held a glass before
her to show her her own folly and weakness, as if he were a prophetic
voice predicting her future fallings; and yet, all the while, she
judged him in return; she said inwardly that he was narrow and unjust,
that he was below feeling those mental needs which were often the
source of the wrong-doing or absurdity that made her life a planless
riddle to him.
She did not answer directly; her heart was too full, and she sat down,
leaning her arm on the table. It was no use trying to make Tom feel
that she was near to him. He always repelled her. Her feeling under his
words was complicated by the allusion to the last scene between her
father and Wakem; and at length that painful, solemn memory surmounted
the immediate grievance. No! She did not think of such things with
frivolous indifference, and Tom must not accuse her of that. She looked
up at him with a grave, earnest gaze and said,—
“I can’t make you think better of me, Tom, by anything I can say. But I
am not so shut out from all your feelings as you believe me to be. I
see as well as you do that from our position with regard to Philip’s
father—not on other grounds—it would be unreasonable, it would be
wrong, for us to entertain the idea of marriage; and I have given up
thinking of him as a lover. I am telling you the truth, and you have no
right to disbelieve me; I have kept my word to you, and you have never
detected me in a falsehood. I should not only not encourage, I should
carefully avoid, any intercourse with Philip on any other footing than
of quiet friendship. You may think that I am unable to keep my
resolutions; but at least you ought not to treat me with hard contempt
on the ground of faults that I have not committed yet.”