The Shadow of the Past — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The Shadow of the Past
John Stuart Mill · en
In silence he took up his cards. His features were tense. The
perspiration started on his forehead, on the backs of his hands, on his
arms: there was an anxious look in his eyes, a suggestion of nervousness
in his laboured breathing. In striking contrast, the calm of his
opponent's manner was manifest in the deliberate way in which he looked
over his hand and calculated its value. His luck still held; the
advantage of the cards lay with him...
Later, with the excitement of the play past, the eager curiosity of
indeterminate results changed to the unpleasant actuality of accepted
defeat, Matheson was aware that he had lost more than a mere game, even
a game with big stakes depending thereon. Although he had regained
one-half of his former losses, he felt poorer than when on the previous
day he had acknowledged that he was cleaned out. He stood pledged now
to a service about which he knew nothing save its undeniably shady
nature; he had agreed, moreover, not to attempt to learn more concerning
it. The unwisdom of the undertaking struck him as it had not done when
upheld with the belief that he would win and so be relieved of the
obligation. He was committed to the carrying out of a piece of
egregious folly which might lead to any wild complication, and force him
into an unwilling co-operation with persons whose views were opposed to
his own. Distrust of Holman grew in him. He could not give a name to
his doubt, but the doubt existed: he resented having allowed himself to
become the man's tool.
Holman made some comment on the unaccountability of luck, and, looking
up to answer him, Matheson became aware of a small face, flushed and
half averted, of a pair of disapproving brown eyes surveying their
grouping with disfavour, as their owner passed close by the scene of the
gamble and continued her way over the hot sands. Matheson got up.
"I'll see you at the hotel," he said, slipping into his coat. And
without waiting for any response, he followed the girl and speedily
overtook her.
"So the injury didn't amount to much after all," he said, meeting her
eyes with a smile as she turned an inquiring face in his direction, and
then halted and shook hands with him. "I am glad to see you are able to
walk without inconvenience."
"Oh! the bite was nothing. I rested yesterday; but it wasn't really
necessary. However, I don't mean to walk far; it is too hot."
"The best time is the evening," he said, keeping beside her when she
started to walk again. "It was jolly on the beach last night. I
tramped out after dinner," he explained, observing her surprise. "Do
you ever come down here in the dusk?"
"No. I don't often get the opportunity," she answered; and there was,
he fancied, a note of regret in her voice. "Mrs Graham likes to be
read to after dinner--or we work."