The Stronger Influence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The Stronger Influence
John Stuart Mill · en
The first thing which Esme's eyes rested on when she ran up to her room
on getting back from the college where she gave music lessons was the
letter lying on her table. She stood for a full minute looking down at
it with pleased, amazed eyes and a deepening colour in her cheeks; then
she reached forth shyly and took it up.
"I wonder how he learned my address?" was the thought in her mind.
She had not seen him copy it from the label on her suit-case. He had
taken that precaution when the luggage was being placed in the cart.
She seated herself on the side of the bed and opened her letter and read
it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dear little Friend," it began characteristically,--
"I wonder whether it will surprise you that I should write to you? I
write to ask you a favour. I want you out of the kindness of your heart
to send me a line sometimes. You can in this matter help me
considerably. I knew before you left that I should miss you, but I did
not realise how great that miss would be until after you were gone.
Never in all my life have I known what it was to feel intolerably lonely
until now. It is not fair to me if, after giving me your friendship,
you withdraw it again altogether.
"I am fighting the devil within me, and just at present I can't say who
will win. But you can help me, if you will. Once you told me it was a
shame to make waste of my life. You were right, and I knew it, though
at the time I resented your candour. Since you left I have thought
often of your words. I miss you. And I want to talk to you. I have
never before ached to talk with any one. And yet I don't want to see
you for the present. If ever we meet you will know I have won. I
shan't attempt to see you otherwise.
"Please send me a line occasionally. You don't know what it will mean
to me. I am wondering as I write what you are doing, and whether you
continue the early morning habit? The sunrises are not marvellous any
longer. Every morning I go in search of the old beauty, but it is not
there. I wonder whether I shall ever find it again.
"Paul Hallam."
Esme read this letter through with deepening interest and a growing
softness in her eyes; there were tears in her eyes; they splashed on to
the paper and blurred the signature, tears of relief, of deep
thankfulness that at last the man had come to see the pity of wasting
his days.
She felt no fear for him any longer. Not a doubt of him troubled her
mind. That he would ultimately win through was assured by the sincerity
of his desire to win. It did not seem to her possible that he could
fail in what he undertook to accomplish. His devil stood no chance when
his better self took up arms against him. He would win. Assuredly he
would win. And then...
The bell sounded for lunch. She folded the letter and put it inside her
blouse. Then she bathed her eyes to hide the traces of emotion and went
downstairs.