The trap : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 8 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The trap : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 8
John Stuart Mill · en
Sitting thus with the book in her hands and her eyes upon the title, set
within the golden lines of an upright oblong in letters of gold upon the
red cover, she found herself back within the first moment of meeting it.
In the little book-shop, a treasure house opened by the so small
subscription. Saw again the close-packed ranks of well-known names,
names that had until then, whenever she thought of them, stood large
along the margin of life, and that seemed now, set minutely down upon
neat rows of volumes, suddenly uninteresting, irrelevant to the impulse
of her search. And then this book, for all the neutrality of its title
and of the author’s name, drawing her hands, bringing as she took it
from the shelf and carried it, unexamined, away down the street, the
stillness of contentment.
She could, so long as the men remained, get no further. Within the neat
red binding lay altogether new happiness. But she was aware only of the
sluggishly moving men, of the shelter from whence they had come and
whither presently, when she, free and a millionaire, should have been
shifted from palace to palace, they would, with their dingy barrow,
shamble back.
The men were going downstairs. The last moments in this room that held
the whole of her London life were ticking themselves away, appealing in
vain for some sadness of farewell. Just round the corner in Flaxman’s
Court was Miss Holland, expectantly at work. And here she sat with a
book open upon her knee, asking only to be left in communion with a
style.
She glanced through the pages of its opening chapter, the chapter that
was now part of her own experience; set down at last alive, so that the
few pages stood in her mind, growing as a single good day will grow, in
memory, deep and wide, wider than the year to which it belongs. She was
surprised to find, coming back after the interval of disturbed days, how
little she had read. Just the opening pages, again and again, not
wanting to go forward; wanting the presentation of the two men, talking
outside time and space in the hotel bedroom, to go on for ever. And
presently fearing to go on, lest the perfection of satisfaction should
cease.
Reading a paragraph here and there, looking out once more the two
phrases that had thrilled her more intimately than any others, she found
a stirring of strange statements in her mind. A strange clarity that was
threatening to change the adventure of reading to a shared disaster. For
she remembered now, having hung for a while over Waymarsh’s “sombre
glow” and “his attitude of prolonged impermanence,” that she had already
read on into the next chapter, that something had happened, so bitter as
to have been pushed from her mind. And yet her mind had been at work
upon it. It had happened with the coming of Maria Gostrey, and had
culminated at the dinner-party in her red neck-band. Disappointing. Yes.
Here she was again, drawing on her gloves and being elaborately
mysterious.