The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau — Volume 03 — Jean-Jacques Rousseau — John Shaqi
The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau — Volume 03
Jean-Jacques Rousseau · en
She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of
conversation, which to me is so painful to endure. Our tete-a-tetes were
rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only conclude
from interruption. So far from finding discourse difficult, I rather
thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating her
projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, and
gazing on her, was the happiest of men. I had another singular fancy,
which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, I was
perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such opportunities
with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon us, no matter
whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not being able to
remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting the minutes in
her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, thinking it
inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I had still
more.
If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not see
her. When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my
uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her gave
me emotions of tenderness even to tears. Never shall I forget one great
holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the city,
my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life with her.
I could easily enough see that at present this was impossible; that the
happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea gave to my
contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was not gloomy,
but tempered with a flattering hope. The ringing of bells, which ever
particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness of the day,
the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in
idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an
impression so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself
in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart,
possessing all the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures
inexpressible.
I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions
as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the recollection
of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my situation exactly as I
had imagined it. If ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic
vision, it was assuredly this; I was only deceived in its imaginary
duration, for days, years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect
tranquility, while the reality lasted but a moment. Alas! my most
durable happiness was but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse
of, than I instantly awoke.