Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
In this Mr. Balfour Whey had already consented to act as my father’s
legal adviser, on the understanding that, if the case should fail, my
father should be exempt from the payment of charges, while, if it should
succeed, the damages should be shared between them on agreed and
equitable terms. An extremely forcible Hibernian barrister was then
engaged on a similar basis, and never shall I forget the noble
determination of these two earnest and devoted men. Fortified with the
assistance, somewhat expensive, but under the circumstances deemed
necessary, of an extremely adaptable, intelligent, and experienced
medical expert, they proved far too powerful both for the doctor, a
young man unrepresented by counsel, and even for the County Court judge,
a sinister-looking person evidently addicted to alcohol. Nevertheless it
was no easy fight and the bias of the judge was obvious from the outset.
Time after time when my father rose from his seat in the well of the
court to make ejaculations, he commanded him to be silent in a tone of
voice that no gentleman should have used to another. And once when my
mother’s aunt, Mrs. Emily Smith, and the aunt that had stood with my
mother’s mother at the foot of the stairs, rose simultaneously and
cried, “Oh, you story,” after an unveracious comment by the doctor, he
actually threatened to have them ejected by one of his underlings in the
court.
Nor was he more polite to my mother’s eight sisters, industrious young
women who had brought their knitting, even going so far as to say that,
if they continued to rattle their needles, he should have them similarly
transported. To this my father very naturally objected in one of his
most dignified and impassioned speeches, again cut short, though not
without the utmost difficulty, by this self-assertive and presumptuous
man. Even to Simeon and Silas Whey, each of whom had covered the Bible
with kisses, he behaved in such a fashion as entirely to rob them of
their natural joy in being in the witness-box. For though it was true,
and only to be expected, that their vocal disabilities were increased by
their excitement, he not only professed to consider them irrelevant but
brutally informed them that they were unintelligible. For a moment we
were stunned. But then, as one woman, my mother’s eight sisters rose to
their feet, as did Mrs. Balfour Whey, Mrs. Emily Smith, and the aunt
that had stood with my mother’s mother at the foot of the stairs. Led by
my father they shouted “Shame” in tones that shook the very roof, while
the Hibernian barrister, with a gesture that I have never seen equalled,
swept his papers from the desk before him, and sank speechless into his
seat.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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