Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
It was such a scene as no one in the court had probably ever before
witnessed, and even the judge seemed slightly taken aback by the volume
of resentment that he had aroused. It was at any rate with a distinct
tremor and in markedly altered tones that he ordered the proceedings to
be resumed. And when I myself, as the prosecution’s last witness,
proceeded to take the oath in my velveteen skull-cap, his change of
colour was so manifest as to become the subject of general comment.
Keeping my face firmly towards him, upon the advice of my counsel, I
stood unshaken, albeit not unmoved, during the latter’s preliminary
remarks. Here was a lad, he said, in the soft and vibrant tones of the
convinced and accomplished pleader, the only lad, nay, the only child,
the solitary hope of his devoted parents. Too delicate hitherto to have
been sent to the school—the scholastic establishment for which his
abilities had long since qualified him, he had been happily expecting,
with all the ardour that His Honour would observe imprinted on his
countenance, to have entered this academy of learning some seven weeks
before. But what had happened? His Honour had heard. It was the subject
matter of this action. Not only had his career, since time was money,
been already seriously crippled, but he had been subjected to a personal
mutilation, the moral effect of which it was impossible to appraise. One
moment a happy—nay, he might almost say without unduly straining the
truth—one moment a happy, but not only a happy, a positively handsome
young gentleman, he had been reduced in the next, either by wilful
design, by malevolent neglect, or by an infamous want of knowledge, to
the spectacle that he would be obliged—how reluctantly His Honour could
imagine—to submit to His Honour’s inspection.
Here a low ripple of sympathy and horror broke involuntarily from most
of those present; and it was perhaps significant, as Mr. Whey remarked
to my father, that the judge took no steps to suppress it. Then, after a
brief question or two, since, as my counsel said, mine was an ordeal
that he dared not long prolong, he asked me to remove my velveteen
skull-cap and let His Honour see what was underneath. It was an effort.
But I achieved it, and the effect on the judge was instantaneous. In
spite of his pallor, he had still, up to that point, retained some
evidences of his gross habit of life. But now the last vestige of his
colour had left him, and he seemed visibly to have lost weight.
Contracted to pin-points, his pupils were fixed upon my scalp in a
haggard yet fascinating stare; and great beads of perspiration began to
glisten upon his forehead. Then, with a sharp expiration like that of a
punctured bicycle tyre, he covered his eyes for a moment with his hand,
and I knew instinctively, as I replaced my skull-cap, that the case was
won.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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