* * * * * “A wild woman caused my downfall.” “How’s that?” “She tripped me.” * * * * * _Now, boys and girls, let’s all sing “I’ve Got the Blues,” in A flat._ * * * * * There’s water in the ocean, There’s water in the sea, For the last year or two They’ve been watering me. * * * * * Dear Bill: I don’t feel right; I feel so blue; please write a line and tell me what to do. Drink ink—makes everything write. * * * * * Mrs. Smith to Mrs. Johnson: “Ain’t it funny what some folks will do to get their name in the paper? Now there’s the Olson family. I see by the Tribune this mornin’ where they’ve got a new baby at their home.” * * * * * Hail, hail, the gang’s all here; Some liar said I had real beer. * * * * * A wife may be a necessity—another man’s wife is certainly a luxury. * * * * * _Virtue is its own reward—and too often its only reward._ * * * * * Watchful Waiting (From the Dubuque Times-Herald.) GAS OVERCOMES GIRL WHILE TAKING BATH Miss Cecelia M. Jones owes her life to the watchfulness of Joel Colley, elevator boy, and Rufus Baucom, janitor. * * * * * Murderers appear to me to be happy-go-lucky fellows—they take life so easily. * * * * * When the “pay-off” men are shy of dough And want a little “jack,” They take us poor old farmers And sell a street car track. * * * * * Sayings of the Famous: Old Crow—“Ashes to ashes and dust to dust; if saloons don’t get us the drug stores must.” * * * * * “I’m a little stiff from lacrosse.” “Oh, Wisconsin?” * * * * * A little snow covers a multitude of rubbish. * * * * * Gossip kills more souls than vice. Reformers, take notice. * * * * * Whenever I see a chorus girl with a new Hudson seal coat, it is none of my business. * * * * * Times Change ’Tis true times do change. A man used to take his musket and powder horn and go hunting for a deer. But now the little dear takes a powder puff and goes hunting for a man. * * * * * Somebody Is Always— Old Hiram Keller went to the cellar To get a wee nip on the sly; At the foot of the stair, he found his wife there, And didn’t she give him the eye! * * * * * Sworn Off No, thank you. As I say, the friendship of a good man for his good friend’s good wife is a rare and fine thing. But for ordinary human nature it is too risky. * * * * *