An enthusiastic temperance proponent was lecturing vigorously on his pet theme when someone in the audience asked him how he could account for the miracle of the turning of the water into wine. “That,” he piped up in all seriousness, “was the one act performed by the Founder of the Christian religion which He ever after regretted.” * * * * * “My tear! Isn’t he brilliant!” “It’s the goods, Maurice, just so brilliant like a glass diamint.” * * * * * The Other View Mrs. Justso—“Is my gown cut too low in the back? I can just feel that those men behind us are staring at me.” Mr. Husband—“Aw, turn around and show ’em your face and they’ll quit staring.” * * * * * No Use No use lovin’ Ain’t no gain; No use eatin’, Just a pain; No use kissin’, He’ll go tell; No use nothin’, Oh Hell! * * * * * The Only Rings You Gave Me (By Jack Gould) You promised me a lot of things When first I fell for you,— You said you would buy me diamond rings, And pearls of lustrous hue; You said that I’d wear silken hose And other garments fine; Oh, boy—I’m here to tell you these.— You had a flow’ry line Refrain: The only rings you gave me Were the rings beneath my eyes; From vanity you have saved me, By adorning me with lies. The only pearls were tear drops That were shed when I got wise; The only rings you gave me Were the rings beneath my eyes! The fairy tales that you have told Would shame the ones of Grimm; You made me think that all was gold That glittered in the glim. But there is bound to come a day,— Just wait, old scout, and see,— When you’ll find out you’ll have to pay For what you got from me! * * * * * She Was All Ready Jack (ready for the party)—Dorothy, the taxi will be here any minute. Slip on your evening gown quick. Wifie—Now, don’t be funny, Jack, it’s on. * * * * * Most Assuredly “Where shall I find ladies’ waists?” “Between the neckwear and the hosiery, madam.” _Our Rural Mail Box_ =_Will Wright_=—Certainly not, Will; the Rev. “Golightly” Morrill writes only of things he has seen—not his personal experiences. * * * * * =_Rev. Numm_=—We have mislaid our best recipe, but whatever you use, don’t forget the raisins. * * * * * =_Della K. Tessen_=—No, Della, he was no gentleman. * * * * * =_Lew Dikrus_=—When Gus was that way he shaved his head and burned his clothes. * * * * * =_Cora Gate_=—Slap his face the next time. * * * * * =_Iva Byte_=—Yes, all men are like that. * * * * *