“Will you please insert this obituary notice?” asked an old gentleman of Pedigreed Bull Smith of the Minneapolis Journal. “I make bold to ask it because the deceased had a great many friends about here who’d be glad to hear of his death.” * * * * * Irish Pot Pourri _As the old saying goes—you’ll find no Chinese laundries where the River Shannon flows._ * * * * * If everything we did in life was printed on our foreheads there would not be so many reformers out in the daytime. * * * * * The Fireless Telephone In Hades: “Hell-o!” In Heaven: “Hal-o!” * * * * * “Were you ever pinched for going too fast?” “No, but I’ve been slapped.” * * * * * _“Mary, Mary, slightly airy,_ _How do the fashions go?”_ _“Piled up hair and shoulders bare_ _And vertebrae all in a row.”_ * * * * * “Sir,” writes a correspondent, “When I was in Butte I dropped my meal ticket on the floor and one of those miners with hob-nailed shoes stepped on it and punched out a week’s board.” * * * * * Sandy Lost His Ball Sandy McDugal was a great golf enthusiast. In many months he never missed a morning. Then the inevitable happened—Sandy was absent. His fellow golfers, worried lest Sandy be ill, sought him out. They found the old Highlander in apparently good health. Sandy refused to explain his absence from the course until after vigorous questioning. “Weel,” drawled Sandy unwillingly, “if ye must know, I lost me ball.” * * * * * There are two things that I can’t understand. A locoed cow and a love-sick man. * * * * * This Can’t Be True A traveling man had missed his train and went back to his home. He took his pass keys out of his pocket, opened the door, and to his great surprise his wife was sitting on his best friend’s lap, and kissing him. “Smith, I’ve set a trap for you and caught you,” shouted the irate husband. Smith replied, “With bait like this, you can catch me any time!” * * * * * On Picket Duty “That was a striking gown your girl wore last night.” “Yes; that was her union suit.” * * * * * When Mrs. Murphy saw her husband hanging in the stable she said, “so that’s where my clothes line went!” * * * * * A Thing of Beauty is an expense forever. * * * * * Where Words Failed