Everything conspires against me. I met Miss B---- walking to-day. I
could not help joining her; and when we were at a little distance from
her companions, I expressed my sense of her altered manner towards me.
"O Werther!" she said, in a tone of emotion, "you, who know my heart,
how could you so ill interpret my distress? What did I not suffer for
you from the moment you entered the room! I foresaw it all; a hundred
times was I on the point of mentioning it to you. I knew that the
S----s and T----s, with their husbands, would quit the room rather than
remain in your company. I knew that the count would not break with
them: and now so much is said about it." "How!" I exclaimed, and
endeavoured to conceal my emotion; for all that Adelin had mentioned to
me yesterday recurred to me painfully at that moment. "Oh, how much it
has already cost me!" said this amiable girl, while her eyes filled
with tears. I could scarcely contain myself, and was ready to throw
myself at her feet. "Explain yourself!" I cried. Tears flowed down her
cheeks. I became quite frantic. She wiped them away, without attempting
to conceal them. "You know my aunt," she continued; "she was present:
and in what light does she consider the affair! Last night, and this
morning, Werther, I was compelled to listen to a lecture upon my
acquaintance with you. I have been obliged to hear you condemned and
depreciated; and I could not--I dared not--say much in your defence."
Every word she uttered was a dagger to my heart. She did not feel what
a mercy it would have been to conceal everything from me. She told me,
in addition, all the impertinence that would be further circulated, and
how the malicious would triumph; how they would rejoice over the
punishment of my pride, over my humiliation for that want of esteem for
others with which I had often been reproached. To hear all this,
Wilhelm, uttered by her in a voice of the most sincere sympathy,
awakened all my passions; and I am still in a state of extreme
excitement. I wish I could find a man to jeer me about this event. I
would sacrifice him to my resentment. The sight of his blood might
possibly be a relief to my fury. A hundred times have I seized a
dagger, to give ease to this oppressed heart. Naturalists tell of a
noble race of horses that instinctively open a vein with their teeth,
when heated and exhausted by a long course, in order to breathe more
freely, I am often tempted to open a vein, to procure for myself
everlasting liberty.
March 24.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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