Clerk (on the Rigi):—“Gracious, how this glorious sunset makes a fellow feel soft and tender. Just now they are closing the offices at home in Frankfort!” Misunderstood Physician (to a newly-arrived guest at a water-cure):—“The nature of your illness requires that you follow the rules here strictly. Drink three glasses of water every morning; after each glass, walk for half an hour. Exercise is the main thing. Strict diet’! Three cigars a day: one after breakfast, one after dinner, one after supper. Come to see me again in three days.” Physician (after three days):—“Well, how does the cure agree with you?” Guest:—“Thank you, Doctor; so far, quite well. If I only did not feel so sick afterwards.” Physician:—“Feel sick? After what? Doesn’t the water agree with you?” Guest:—“Oh yes, that isn’t it, but the cigars—I never smoked before!” The East Wind Guide:—“Yes, sir; it is an immense advantage to us that we nearly always have an east wind.” Stranger:—“Is that statistic?” Guide:—“I have kept an account of it for years.” Stranger:—“But pardon me, if you will look at the weather vane on that tower you will see that the wind is west.” Guide:—“Oh, well, that’s the east wind coming back.” Frozen Music Banker:—“If architecture is said to be frozen music, what would you call a Sennhütte?” (a hut on the Alps). Professor:—“Why, a frozen Schnadahüpfel (senner’s song), my dear friend!” Need Not be Told Nervous lady (to the boatman before the famous echo on the Königssee):—“Won’t you please tell me when they are going to shoot?” Boatman:—“You’ll hear it soon enough, I won’t have to tell you first!” Cheap Pleasure A:—“I can’t understand why people always complain about mountain excursions being so expensive. I just took a two days’ trip again, and except for a bowl of milk, I didn’t spend a cent.” B:—“What are you giving me, why you must have starved!” A:—“Why of course not. I had a cold roast goose, a dozen hard-boiled eggs, a piece of ham, and two bottles of wine, with me. You don’t starve on that!” No Need of Cows Stranger (to his host, a peasant on the Alps): “Your butter is certainly very poor.” “If you please, it’s our own butter!” “Why, you just told me you had sold all your cows.” “Does the gentleman think we are so far behind the times, that we need cows to make our own butter?” Had His Choice Guide (on the summit of the Alps):—“Look out, your Honor; if you fall down backward, you will be buried at Partenkirchen; and if you fall forward, at Lermos!” A New Driver Tourist (to guide):—“What will the team cost for the trip?” “Seven gulden.” “That is too much. Here in my Bädeker it says: Trip including a tip, five gulden.” “Well, then you just let Bädeker drive you!” Wanted a Cheap Bath Economical stranger (at a bathing establishment):—“How much do you charge for a bath?” Cashier:—“One mark.” Stranger:—“Couldn’t you fix one for me for half a mark? You might give me a little less water!” At Home on the Lake