_Mr. F. (advancing)._ Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my premises? _The S. in the U._ Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte? _Mr. F._ No, sir, I do not. What's your business? _The S. in the U. (nervously)._ I am the author of the piece. _Everybody._ Ha! ha! ha! _Mr. F._ Then you're not wanted here. (_To stage manager._) Jenkins, clear the stage. [_The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain._ * * * * * MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT.--_Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after production of his new comedy)._ And what did you think of my little piece the other night? _Miss Lagushe._ I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for _you_! * * * * * NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think About the relation 'twixt drama and drink. Well, give hall--and theatre--good wholesome diet, And all who attend will be sober and quiet! * * * * * [Illustration: _Younger Son of Ducal House._ "Mother, allow me to introduce to you--my wife." _His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre)._ "How do, Duchess? I'm the latest thing in mésalliances!"] * * * * * HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS. _Of the Essence of Drama._--It is not strictly necessary that you should know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk, and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice, or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.