[Illustration: "CROSS OLD THING!"--_Wife._ "I'm going into town now, dear. Shall I book places for _Caste_ or _Much ado about Nothing_?" _Husband._ "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough 'Ado about Nothing' at home!"] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_Brown (rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac")._ "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'Tis well--but no mat-tar-r!" _Housemaid (to cook, outside the door)._ "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to missis!"] * * * * * [Illustration: TECHNICAL.--_First Player_ ("_Juvenile Lead_"). Play Scene--Hamlet. (_Deferentially_). "What do you think of it?" _Second Player_ ("_First Heavy_"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted, ain't they?"] * * * * * [Illustration: A DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.--_Stern Hostess (who is giving private theatricals)._ "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've begun long ago!" _Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that particular form of entertainment)._ "What! You don't mean to say they're at it still!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MODEST APPEAL.--_Lady (to big drum)._ "Pray, my good man, don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"] * * * * * A MODERN REHEARSAL _Leading Lady (to Stage Manager)._ Who's that man in the ulster coat talking to the call-boy? _Stage Manager._ Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for his cackle. Ah! here he is. _Splitter._ Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me. _Stage Man._ Of course I will. Capital idea. (_Marks prompt-book._) I wonder who that chap is in the wing? _Splitter._ Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo, Wobbler, brought your new song? _Wobbler._ Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital wheezes. _Splitter._ No poaching, old chap. _Wobbler._ Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning, Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose? _Miss Skid (brightly)._ I'm always "perfect." But--(_seriously_)--I had to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss! [_Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations._ _Stage Man._ Places, ladies and gentlemen. _Mr. Footlyte._ Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I have completely rewritten the second act, and---- _The Stranger in the Ulster._ But, sir, I beg of you to remember---- _Mr. F._ Who is that man? _Everybody._ We don't know!