[Illustration: AN UNKIND CUT.--_Amateur._ "It was very kind of you to come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my _Hamlet_? Pretty good?" _Professional_ (_feigning ecstasy_). "Oh, my dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,--really I assure you, good's not the word!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Critic._ "Well, have you seen the great tragedian in _Romeo and Juliet_?" _Second ditto._ "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A CROWDED HOUSE _Angry Voice_ (_from a back seat_). "Ears off in front there, please!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA _The Marquis_ (_in the play_). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a gen'leman?" _Lord Adolphus_ (_spendthrift heir_). "You 'ave!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT] * * * * * [Illustration: "STARTLING EFFECTS!" _Peep-Showman._ "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin' along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"---- _Small Boy_ (_with his eye to the aperture_). "But what's the yaller light, sir?" _Peep-Showman_ (_slow and impressive_). "There ain't no yaller light--but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nif----" _Small Boy_ (_persistently_). "But wha's the other light, sir?" _Peep-Showman_ (_losing patience_). "Tell yer there ain't no"----(_takes a look--in consternation_)--"Blowed if the darned old show ain't a-fire!!"] * * * * * EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT ["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."--_The Outlook._] SCENE--_Nowhere in particular._ CHARACTERS. HE, _a nonentity_. SHE, _another_. _He._ Dear----! _She_ (_wearily_). Oh please don't. [_Does nothing._ _He._ Why, what's the matter? _She._ Nothing. [_He does nothing._ _She._ Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow. (_Yawns._) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on. _He._ All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I love you--will you marry me? _She_ (_very wearily_). Oh, I suppose so. _He._ Thanks very much. (_Kisses her._) There! [_Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing._ _She_ (_with sudden excitement_). Supposing I had said "No," would you have shot yourself?--would you have gone to the front?--would your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting have happened? _He_ (_with a great determination in his eyes_). Had you spurned my love---- _She_ (_excitedly_). Yes, yes?