_He_ (_with emotion_).--I should have--I should have--done nothing. [_Does it._ _She._ Oh! _He._ Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing of that sort had happened it would have been _off_ the stage. I hope I know my place. [_She does nothing._ _He_ (_politely_). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here? If not, we might---- _She._ We must wait till somebody else comes on. _He._ True. (_Reflects deeply._) Er--do you mote much? [_She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually._ * * * * * [Illustration: HOW HE OUGHT _NOT_ TO LOOK _Excited Prompter_ (_to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume_). "Now then, Walker, _LOOK ALIVE_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.--"MACBETH" "Infirm of purpose! Give me the daggers."--_Act II. Sc. 2._] * * * * * [Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--I. _Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"--vide her advertisements passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song_:-- "Ow, I am sow orferly _shy_, boys! I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys! Some dy, wen I'm owlder, Per'aps I'll git bowlder, But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--II. The Illustrative Method. 'E's not a _tall_ man--Nor a _short_ man--But he's just the man for me.' "Not in the army--Nor the nivy--But the royal artill-er-ee!"] * * * * * ATTENTION AT THE PLAY. (_As performed at many London Theatres_) SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box._ TIME--_Towards the end of the First Act of an established success._ PRESENT--_A party of Four._ _No. 1_ (_gazing through opera glasses_). A good house. Do you know anyone? _No. 2._ Not a soul. Stay--aren't those the Fitzsnooks? _No. 3_ (_also using a magnifier_). You mean the woman in the red feather at the end of the third row of the stalls? _No. 4._ You have spotted them. They have got Bobby Tenterfore with them. You know, the Johnnie in the F. O. _No. 1._ I thought Mr. Tenterfore was at Vienna. _No. 4._ No; he _was_ going, but they sent another chap. Brought him back from somewhere in the tropics. _No. 3._ Then what is Mr. Tenterfore doing in town? _No. 4._ Oh! come home on leave. Lots of that sort of thing at the F. O. _No. 1_ (_having grown weary of looking at the audience_). By the way, _à propos de bottes_, I have some money to invest. Can you suggest anything? _No. 3._ They say that Diddlers Deferred will turn up trumps. _No. 1._ What do you mean by that? I only want to pop in and out between the accounts. _No. 3._ Then the Diddlers ought to suit you. They rose six last week, and ought to touch ten before settling day.