_Mrs. Piggleswade._ Oh! ma'am, I ain't been so much upset since my old man took me to the wariety theayter in London last August twelve-month, and 'eard a gen'leman sing about his grandmother's cat. * * * * * There was a poor actor on the Norwich circuit who squinted most dreadfully: he was put up on one occasion for "Lear." "We must succeed," said the manager, "for there never was a _Lear_ with so strong a _cast_." * * * * * A RICHMOND DINNER.--A shouting actor who performs the part. * * * * * BY DEPUTY As Shakspeare could not write his plays (If Mrs. Gallup's not mistaken), I think how wise in many ways He was to have them done by Bacon; They might have mouldered on the shelf, Mere minor dramas (and he knew it!) If he had written them himself Instead of letting Bacon do it. And if it's true, as Brown and Smith In many learned tomes have stated, That Homer was an idle myth, He ought to be congratulated; Since, thus evading birth, he rose For men to worship from a distance: He might have penned inferior prose Had he achieved a real existence. To him and Shakspeare some agree In making very nice allusions, But no one thinks of praising me, For I composed my own effusions: As others wrote their works divine, And they immortal thus to day are, If someone else had written mine I might have been as great as they are! * * * * * [Illustration: _Famous Lion Comique_ (_to his agent, who is not much of a cigar smoker_). "What did you think of that cigar as I give you the other day?" _Agent._ "Well, the first night I liked it well enough. But the second night I didn't like it so well. And the third I didn't like it at all!"] * * * * * Numerous applications were received by the manager of Covent Garden from "professionals" wishing to take part in _The Forty Thieves_. It was not found possible to offer engagements to the following (amongst others):-- _The Thief_--who stole a march. _The Thief_--in the candle. _The Thief_--who was set to catch a thief. _The Thief_--who stole the "purse" and found it "trash." _The Thief_--who stole up-stairs. _The Thief_--of time, _alias_ procrastination, and-- _The Thief_--who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants). * * * * * THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA _Berthelda._--Sanguino, you have killed your _mother_!!! _Fruitwoman._--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer! (_Curtain falls._) * * * * * [Illustration: The Music-hall.] [Illustration: A Melodrama at the "Surrey".] [Illustration: Screaming Farcical Comedy.] [Illustration: A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."] [Illustration: Another.] [Illustration: A patriotic Drama at the "National Theatre".]