7. Don't do anything you would rather not. 8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. You probably know much better than your officers. 9. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison. 10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to camp again. 11. Don't keep it. * * * * * BUTS AT BISLEY _(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)_ The shooting could not be more satisfactory _but_ for the customary "accident." Everyone would make a "bull" _but_ for the haze and the shiftiness of the wind. The catering is in every way excellent, _but_ heavy meals scarcely assist in getting on the target. It is delightful to entertain visitors--especially ladies--at the camp, _but_ champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money. It is healthy to sleep under canvas, _but_ when the thermometer marks ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn is preferable. Bisley is a beautiful place, _but_ Woking cemetery is a dismal neighbour. Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A., in the cause of the fatherland, _but_ is it quite worth the trouble? * * * * * [Illustration: _Swagger Yeomanry Officer._ "Bring out my charger." _Job-master's Foreman._ "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a funeral!"] * * * * * [Illustration: HE ALWAYS WONDERED HIMSELF. (Scene--_General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut. Tompkins--excellent fellow, but poor soldier--called out to show the General and British public what he knows._) _General._ "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest possible way, facing north-east?" _Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration)._ "Well, sir, do you know, that's always what I've wondered." [_Report on subaltern officers--bad._ ] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Miserable Sub (left at the depot)._ "I can't think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of." _Second M. S._ "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother." _First M. S._ "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THE WAY WE HAD IN THE ARMY." (1877). _Colonel (of the pre-examination period--to studious sub)._ "I say, youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're about!" _Sub (mildly)._ "I should be sorry to think that, sir!" _Colonel._ "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!--Hold up your head, sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the windows!"] * * * * *