[Illustration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the hotel, holding on to knobs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or plain?"] * * * * * When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression? * * * * * [Illustration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY _British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport unless it contains the element of danger." _German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in de shdômag!"] * * * * * CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him for a statue and cut his name as usual. * * * * * AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here? _Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you? _First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa! * * * * * SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers; _Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires; _Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls. * * * * * CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root! * * * * * [Illustration: SNUB FOR A SNOB _English Tourist._ "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What payment do you expect for it?" _Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_ it to the pigs!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY (_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._) "I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible accident. He's got two wooden feet!"] * * * * * _Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_). What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"? _Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another. * * * * * [Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c. _Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voilà'?"