_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from? _She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware Road. [_Tears and curtain._ * * * * * AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say, is it true that you've got a real live ghost here? _Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums. _American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty in any one capacity. * * * * * SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork; _Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men; _Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers; _Wo-burn_--for firemen. * * * * * [Illustration: NOSÉ IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE SPHINX. "One touch of _Punch_ makes the whole world kin."] * * * * * [Illustration: A QUESTION OF PROPORTION.--_Colonel Peppercorn_ (_who is touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken down_). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you repair it?" _Alphonse Legros._ "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimètres from ze ground; but me--voilà--I have one mètre round ze chest!"] * * * * * THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM _Question._ What is your object this year? _Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible. _Q._ How do you manage this? _A._ With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery. _Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful consideration? _A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions. _Q._ What are compulsory omissions? _A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection. _Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome? _A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes. _Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday? _A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table. _Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun? _A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining. _Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention? _A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling. _Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour? _A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen. _Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion? _A._ Not much, nor my body either.