_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong. And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"? _Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage (_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old French beans. * * * * * [Illustration: THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE] * * * * * DE GUSTIBUS---- I am an unadventurous man, And always go upon the plan Of shunning danger where I can. And so I fail to understand Why every year a stalwart band Of tourists go to Switzerland, And spend their time for several weeks, With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks, Scaling abrupt and windy peaks. In fact, I'm old enough to find Climbing of almost any kind Is very little to my mind. A mountain summit white with snow Is an attractive sight, I know, But why not see it _from below_? Why leave the hospitable plain And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain Merely to scramble down again? Some men pretend they think it bliss To clamber up a precipice Or dangle over an abyss, To crawl along a mountain side, Supported by a rope that's tied, --Not too securely--to a guide; But such pretences, it is clear, In the aspiring mountaineer Are usually insincere. And many a climber, I'll be bound, Whom scarped and icy crags surround, Wishes himself on level ground. So I, for one, do not propose, To cool my comfortable toes In regions of perpetual snows, As long as I can take my ease, Fanned by a soothing southern breeze, Under the shade of English trees. And anyone who leaves my share Of English fields and English air May take the Alps for aught I care! * * * * * SPORT MOST APPROPRIATE TO THE LOCALITY.--Shooting pigeons at Monte Carlo. * * * * * PLEASURE À LA RUSSE.--_Q._ When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a holiday? _A._ When he gives him _a kn_outing. * * * * * THE CRY OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK.--"Easterward Ho!" * * * * * A DISH THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PERSONS WHEN TRAVELLING.--The Chops of the Channel. * * * * * THE GREATEST BORE IN CREATION.--The Simplon Tunnel. * * * * * [Illustration: The Brown family resolve to spend their vacation each after his own fashion, instead of _en famille_. Jack took his motor car of course. Maud and Ethel started on a Biking Tour. Pater preferred "Cooks". "My Dear Sir, I tell you there is not a city in the whole of Europe that is a patch upon Florence. Why I found the finest English chemists there that I have come across in all my travels." Mater had "quiet time" in Devonshire. Bob went canoeing. While Mary Ann says 'Give me good ole Margit'.] * * * * *