[Illustration: THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."--_Squire_ (_desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany_). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass----" _Farmer B._ "Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.--(_He had drunk a bottle or two._)--But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST _Young Ganderson_ (_proudly conscious of the general attention_) "Oh yes, it's in _Soho_, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence--wine included." _Host_ (_proud of his cellar_). "And is the wine drinkable?" _Young Ganderson._ "Oh yes--very good--better than the wine we're drinking now!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND _Tomkins._ "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?" _Jobkins._ "Why, yes--you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."] * * * * * [Illustration: MISTAKEN IDENTITY.--(_As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over._) _Head waiter_ (_under a wrong impression_). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf! No napkins laid, no glasses, no----!!!" [_Brown never got over it all the evening._] * * * * * [Illustration: AN AWFUL CRAMMER _Proprietor of boarding-house_ (_taking stout guest aside_). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two shillings!" _Diner._ "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three--I really--afraid I should--but I'll try!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE BETTING EVIL. _Waiter_ (_down tube_). "Wild duck, one!" _Voice from the kitchen._ "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NOT VERY LIKELY _Waiter_ (_in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder_). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M--let's see--a _glass of milk_, sir, wasn't it?"] * * * * * [Illustration: FIGURATIVE _Head Waiter_ (_the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese_). "Hi! James--let loose the Gorgonzola!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BEWILDERING _Mr. Wuzzles_ (_up for the cattle-show_). "Cheese, waiter!" '_Robert._' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo----" _Mr. Wuzzles_ (_testily_). "No, no! I said _cheese_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "ON THE FACE OF IT"