_Host._ "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?" _New Butler._ "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AWFUL WARNING!--_Guest_ (_at City Company dinner_). "I'm uncommonly hungry!" _Ancient Liveryman_ (_with feeling_). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was--(_sighs_)--'couldn't taste at all--anything--for the rest of the evening!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing--as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.] * * * * * [Illustration: _Testy Old Uncle_ (_unable to control his passion_). "Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me. For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey--boiled turkey and saddle of mutton. I'll endure it no longer." [_Exit old gent, who alters his will._ Moral.--_How ridiculous a man appears--particularly a man at a grave period of life--who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!_] * * * * * [Illustration: "ALL THE DIFFERENCE" _Dyspeptic Diner._ "Um"--(_forking it suspiciously_)--"what is it, waiter?" '_Robert._' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say what it may be on the dish!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _His Partner._ "I really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of----" _He._ "Great Scott! That reminds me--I've left the bathroom tap at home full on!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE NICE LITTLE DINNER _Tommy_ (_who is standing a feed to Harry_). "Oh, hang it, you know, fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong, ain't it?" _Waiter_ (_with perfect composure_). "We have some _cheap_ wine, sir, at half-a-guinea!"] * * * * * [Illustration: TOO LITERAL BY HALF SCENE.--_A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L--nd--n._ _Waiter._ "Paysir? Yessir--Whataveyeradsir?" _Matter-of-fact old gentleman_ (_who has been reading the "Quarterly" on "Food and its adulterations"_). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients." [_Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump._] * * * * *