THE HOSPITABLE JONES. Yes, we're in the same old place, where you dined with us last year. By the bye, old man, I wish you and your wife would come and take pot-luck with us again on the---- _The Impulsive Brown (in the eagerness of his determination never again to take pot-luck with the Joneses)._ My _dear_ fellow! _So_ sorry! But we're engaged on the--a--on the--er--on th-th-that evening! _Poor Jones (pathetically)._ Well, old man, you _might_ have given me time just to _name the day_. * * * * * [Illustration: "WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE TUNE" _Johnnie (to waiter)._ "Aw--you're the boss--head waiter, eh?" _Waiter._ "Yessir." _Johnnie._ "Ah, well, just--ah--send up to your _orchestra chaps_, and tell 'em I really can't eat my dinner to _that_ tune."] * * * * * [Illustration: A LAST RESOURCE.--A happy and independent bachelor finds himself suddenly disappointed of his Christmas party in the country; he has ordered nothing at home, has given his cook and man-servant leave to invite their friends; his intimate companions are out of town, and, on arriving at his club, he is informed by the hall porter that "there is no dinner to-night, as the servants are having a party." Only one resource, a hotel, or dinner at a restaurant, all alone!] * * * * * [Illustration: THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.--_Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending scientific bachelor dinner, where "the reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn" has been warmly discussed)._ "Where am I? Letsh shee--(_considering_)--Earth's got one moon. Mars's got five moo--Jup'tush nine--I shee two moons. Then--where _am_ I?"] * * * * * [Illustration: EFFECT OF GOOD CHEER ON OPPOSITE TEMPERAMENTS Aspect of Jones and Smith at two different stages of the same sumptuous repast.] * * * * * AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT _Customer (indignantly)._ Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup? _Waiter (meekly)._ I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe 'im cocks-tail! * * * * * "THE COMING MAN."--A waiter. * * * * * [Illustration: SO VERY CONSCIENTIOUS!--_Master of the House._ "Why, Jenkins, what on earth is the matter with you? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" _Butler (with great deliberation)_, "Well, shir--if you pleashe, shir--itsh not quite _my_ fault. You told me to taste every bottle of wine before dinner, in cashe one should be corked. I've only carried out in-shtrucshuns."] * * * * * THE VERB TO DINE PRESENT TENSE I dine. Thou joinest me. He tries to whip us up for a division. We smoke our cigars. Ye drink your port. They are defeated in the lobby. IMPERFECT TENSE