All unhallowed my pursuits, (Oft to bed I’ve been in boots!) Still o’er my uneasy slumber has been shed (_Tum_-tum-_tum_!) The moderately bright light Afforded by a night-light, In a saucerful of water by my bed! (_Tum_-tum!) _Third Verse._ (_To be sung with increasing solemnity._) A little while ago, in a dream my aunt I saw; In her frill-surrounded night-cap there she stood! (_Tum_-tum-_tum_!) And I sought to hide my head ’neath the counterpane in awe, And I trembled--for my conscience isn’t good! (_Tum_-tum!) But her countenance was mild--so indulgently she smiled That I knew there was no further need for dread! (_Tum_-tum-_tum_!) She had seen the flannel vest enveloping my chest, And the night-light in its saucer by my bed! (_Tum_-tum!) _Refrain_ (_more pianissimo still._) But ere a word she spoke, I unhappily awoke! And away, alas! the beauteous vision fled! (_Tum_-tum-_tum_!) (_In mournful recitation_)--There was nothing but the slight light Of the melancholy night-light That was burning in a saucer by my bed! (_Tum_-tum!) [Illustration: THE MILITARY IMPERSONATOR.] XIII.--THE MILITARY IMPERSONATOR. To be a successful Military Impersonator, the principal requisite is a uniform, which may be purchased for a moderate sum, second-hand, in the neighbourhood of almost any barracks. Some slight acquaintance with the sword exercise and elementary drill is useful, though not absolutely essential. Furnished with these, together with a few commanding attitudes, and a song possessing a spirited, martial refrain, the Military Impersonator may be certain of an instant and striking success upon the Music-hall stage,--especially if he will condescend to avail himself of the ballad provided by _Mr. Punch_, as a vehicle for his peculiar talent. And--though we say it ourselves--it is a very nice ballad, to which Mr. McDougall himself would find it difficult to take exception. It is in three verses, too--the limit understood to be formally approved by the London County Council for such productions. It may be, indeed, that (save so far as the last verse illustrates the heroism of our troops in action--a heroism too real and too splendid to be rendered ridiculous, even by Military Impersonators), the song does _not_ convey a particularly accurate notion of the manner and pursuits of an officer in the Guards. But then no Music-hall ditty can ever be accepted as a quite infallible authority upon any social type it may undertake to depict--with the single exception, perhaps, of the Common (or Howling) Cad. So that any lack of actuality here will be rather a merit than a blemish in the eyes of an indulgent audience. Having said so much, we will proceed to our ballad, which is called,-- IN THE GUARDS! _First Verse._