I’m a Guardsman, and my manner is perhaps a bit “haw-haw;” But when you’re in the Guards you’ve got to show _esprit de corps_. [_Pronounce “a spreedy core.”_ We look such heavy swells, you see, we’re all aristo-cràts, When on parade we stand arrayed in our ’eavy bearskin ’ats. _Chorus_ (_during which the Martial Star will march round the stage in military order._) We’re all “’Ughies,” “Berties,” “Archies,” In the Guards! Doncher know? Twisting silky long moustarches, [_Suit the action to the word here._ Bein’ Guards! Doncher know? While our band is playing Marches, For the Guards! Doncher know? And the ladies stop to gaze upon the Guards, Bing-_Bang_! [_Here a member of the orchestra will oblige with the cymbals, while the Vocalist performs a military salute, as he passes to_-- _Second Verse._ With duchesses I’m ’and in glove, with countesses I’m thick; From all the nobs I get invites--they say I am “so _chic_!” [_Pronounce “chick.”_ It often makes me laugh to read, whene’er I go off guard, “Dear Bertie, come to my At Home!” on a coronetted card! _Chorus._ For we’re “Berties,” “’Ughies,” “Archies,” In the Guards! Doncher know? With our silky long moustarches, In the Guards! Doncher know? Where’s a regiment that marches Like the Guards? Doncher know? All the darlings--bless ’em!--dote upon the Guards, Bing-_Bang_! _Third Verse._ [_Here comes the Singer’s great chance, and by merely taking a little pains, he may make a tremendously effective thing out of it. If he can manage to slip away between the verses, and change his bearskin and scarlet coat for a solar topee and kharkee tunic at the wings, it will produce an enormous amount of enthusiasm, only he must not take_ more _than five minutes over this alteration, or the audience--so curiously are British audiences constituted--may grow impatient for his return._ But hark! the trumpet sounds!... (_Here a member of the orchestra will oblige upon the trumpet._) What’s this? ... (_The Singer will take a folded paper from his breast and peruse it with attention._) We’re ordered to the front! [_This should be shouted._ We’ll show the foe how “Carpet-Knights” can face the battle’s brunt! They laugh at us as “Brummels”--but we’ll prove ourselves “Bay-yards!” [_Now the Martial Star will draw his sword and unfasten his revolver-case, taking up the exact pose in which he is represented upon the posters outside._