_English Angler (on this side of the Tweed)._ “Hi, Donald! come over and help me to land him--a 20-pounder I’ll swear----” _Highlander (on the other)._ “It wull tak’ ye a lang time to lan’ that fush too, d’ye ken, sir, whatever!--Ye hae heuket the kingdom o’ auld Scotland!”] [Illustration: _Northern Gamekeeper._ “Will ye gie me some oil to my guns this morning, cook?” _Cook._ “If ye wunt oil frae me, ‘keeper,’ ye’ll need to mind. Ma name’s no cook--ma name’s Misthress Macphairson!” _Gamekeeper (with a sniff)._ “Weel, gin ye’re no to be ‘cook,’ I’m nae to be ‘keeper’! Ye’ll be as gude as gie me ‘Maisther Forr-biss’!!”] [Illustration: VACCINATION RE-NAMED _The New Doctor._ “Well, Mac, how is the little girl’s arm going on?” _Mac._ “Weel, sir, my gudewife says it’s looking just fine whaur ye tattoo’d it.”] [Illustration: “WHAT IN THE CAPTAIN’S BUT A CHOLERIC WORD” _The Laird (to his Gardener, who had caught somebody trespassing)._ “Hum! And you say, Saunders, that the fellow was impudent?” _Gardener._ “‘Impident!’ ’Deed, sir, if he had been the Laird himsell he could na hae been mair ill-bred!”] [Illustration: _MacNab (whose wife has met with a slight accident on the railway, to Railway Agent, who has called to offer condolence, and produces one or two pounds by way of solatium)._ “Na, na, if she dees it will likely be twa or three hunders!”] [Illustration: A MODERN ATHENIAN _Southern Tourist (in Edinburgh)._ “Can you direct me to the Royal Institution?” _Native. (Vacant Stare.)_ “What est?” _Tourist (giving a Clue)._ “Pictures, you know--Statues--and----” _Native (after much thought)._ “Oo!--et’s the Stukky Feggars ye mean!”--(_Pointing._)--“Yon’s et!”] [Illustration: A POSER _Fair Client._ “I’m always photographed from the same side, but I forget which!” _Scots Photographer (reflectively)._ “Well, it’ll no be _this_ side, I’m thinkin’. Maybe it’s t’ither!”] [Illustration: A NICE DISTINCTION _Porter._ “Train’s awa, man. Ye should hae ran faster.” _Passenger._ “Ran faster! Dod, I ran fast eneugh, but I should hae startit sooner.”] [Illustration: “ALARUMS, EXCURSIONS” _Perplexed Old Lady (at Scottish Junction in a fog)._ “Ah hae ma bundle--an’ ah hae ma teeck’t--but fa’s the Deeside Rel-ro’d!!”] [Illustration: _Excited Scotsman (who has just hooked a fish)._ “I’m dashed feared I’ll loose my half-crown flee!”] [Illustration: “WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK.” SCENE--_District Court in a Colony_ _Scots Judge (with a very marked pug-nose)._ “Weel, noo, sir, if ye gae along the ro’d in question, where’ll ye gang tae?” _Scots Witness (deliberately)._ “That a’ depends, yer honour, on how far ye gae!” _Judge (snappishly)._ “Ye understan’ vera weel, sir. If ye follow yer nose, mun, where’ll ye gang till?” _Witness (after a pause)._ “Ah’ve always heer-ed it said, yer honour, that if ye follow yer nose too far, it’ll tak’ ye t’ the moon!” _Judge._ “Step doon, sir!”--(_In an angry aside_).--“The mon’s a fool!”]