_Lady_ (_entertaining friend's little girl_). "Do you take sugar, darling?" _The Darling._ "Yes, please." _Lady._ "How many lumps?" _The Darling._ "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with cake."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Tommy._ "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see you every day while you are ill."] * * * * * "A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am extremely dis-satisfied with you all! _Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with _you_, you know! * * * * * COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything remarkable in the life of Moses? _Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at once! * * * * * [Illustration: A BARGAIN. "I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this 'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, _I'll go quiet_!"] * * * * * LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_). Are you a chemist? _Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear. _L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the window? _E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop. _L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough Jujubes? _E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not. _L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more. You can't be a respectable chemist. _E. P._ Why not, my dear? _L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists." * * * * * AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some more bread-and-butter? _Small Boy._ No fear, when there's kike about. _Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum or seed? _Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary? * * * * * [Illustration: A QUESTION OF HEREDITY _Hal._ "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?" _Martha._ "Oh no, it's only a little cracked." _Hal._ "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little mad?"] * * * * * [Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.--"Oh, _look_, mummie! Now it's left off raining, he's come out of his kennel!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SENSIBLE CHILD.--"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" "No. I hanged up muvver's!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"] * * * * * HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is greater than the whole_!" _Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a whole one.