Dudley hinted to all the women he met that Art was his mistress and that
he could not permit himself to approach them seriously without
subjecting them to the injustice of this rivalry. The physical terrors
of his childhood had aggravated his caution. His inward distress was
terrible when he was obliged to reconcile his resistance to the world
outside him with the ideal of the great artist which commanded him to
abandon himself to all that came. His desire, even as regarded material
things, was to hoard everything that contributed to the erection of a
barrier between him and the ruthless struggle of men. He longed for
commercial success, and he displayed an ostentatious indifference to the
salableness of his work. He had a physical attachment for his
possessions.
He hated gatherings of all sorts unless they were of friends who would
respond to all he had to say and whom he might insidiously dominate. Yet
he had encountered Julia first at the home of Mrs. Hurst, whose
bourgeois pretensions to esthetic interest he despised. These
heterogeneous assemblies gave him the cold impression of a mob. Anything
which affected him and at the same time evaded him was unadmittedly
alarming. He had not appeared at his best that night until he was able
to lead Julia aside and talk to her alone. Then he became suddenly at
ease. There was a slightly bitter humility about her confessions of
ignorance that made him feel her potentially appreciative in a genuine
sense.
Strangely enough the frankness of her self-depreciation disarmed him. He
felt that he must search for a hidden pretension that would show her
weak and allow him an approach. Wherever she displayed symptoms of
confidence he confronted her with her dependence on illusion. He told
himself that all that one individual owed another was the means to
truth. Believing in the dignity of self-responsibility, he could not
assume the burden of Julia's discouragement. He imagined her unhappy. If
he helped her to see herself he was aiding her to attain the only
ultimate values in life.
After he and Julia became lovers he was troubled not a little by the
necessity for concealment, for he had told her so frequently that her
relation to Laurence had been falsified by the accumulation of reserves.
* * * * *
Dudley had said so often that he considered Laurence a repressed and
misunderstood man that Julia, with an antagonism which she did not
confess to herself, asked her lover to dine at her home. Meeting Dudley
as Laurence's wife again put her on the offensive regarding everything
that concerned her house and the usual circumstances of her existence.
She had never taken such care in composing a meal as she did for this
occasion, and she spent half an hour arranging the flowers in a low bowl
on the table.
When Dudley came he greeted Laurence with peculiar eagerness. Julia
found it hard to forgive her lover for making himself ridiculous.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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