=Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_). "STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!" Illustration: _When You are About it._ =Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER, FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER." =Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!" Illustration: _Sympathy._ =Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!" =Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!" Illustration: _The Run of the House._ =First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?" =Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!" Illustration: "_What Next?_" =Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE TO TEACH YOU----" =Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!! Illustration: "_The Servants._" =Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN' THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?" =Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS. BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!" Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._ =Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!" =Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH THE NAKED EYE, SIR!" Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._" =Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!" =Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!" _Gets another Shilling!_ Illustration: _The Beard Movement._ =Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!" (_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards, in the Servants' Hall._) Illustration: _Too Late._ =Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!" =Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A' BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!" Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._