=Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!" Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._ =Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT CHURCH YESTERDAY?" =Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG ALL THE TIME, SIR!" Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._" =Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!" =Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!" Illustration: _Pleasuring!_ =Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR YOU----" =Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!" Illustration: _Awkward!_ FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE _WRONG DOOR_!! Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_ =Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?" =Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER 'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!" Illustration: _Hygiene._ =Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?! OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O' GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG 'MSELVES_!!!" Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._ =Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'. I S'POOS', GEARGE!!" Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_" =Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!" _Exit, in great dudgeon._ Illustration: _À Fortiori._ =Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?" =Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!" =Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST IT!" =Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!" Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_" =Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!"