=Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!" Illustration: A Half Truth. =Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_). "STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!" =Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!" Illustration: Poor Humanity! =Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED ABOUT----" =Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!" Illustration: _Family Ties._ (_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall--M. and C._) =Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY BOYS?" =Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES ME!!" Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._" =Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'! QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!" =German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?" =Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU DON'T KNOCK OFF!" Illustration: The Roll-Call. =Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!" =Answer.= "HAMISHO!" =Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!" =Answer.= "HAMISHO!" =Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!" ANSWER. "HAMISHO!" =Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!" =Answer.= "HERE, SIR!" =Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!! Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._ (_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!_) =Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES, MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!" Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._ =Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST." =Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!" (_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S MY UNDERS!" Illustration: Unprejudiced! =Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?" Illustration: A Kind Son. =Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE, THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE CIGARS AS THESE." =George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!" Illustration: Crass Ignorance. =First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?" =Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE' MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!" Illustration: A Change in the Weather. =Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!"