=Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" =Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE, AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10·30!" Illustration: "Res Angustæ Domi." =Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?" =Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?" =Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO WORTHING--AS USUAL!" _And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak and injudicious._ Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._ =Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._) =Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN HILL!" Illustration: _Scrupulous._ =Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!" Illustration: A Game Two can Play at. =Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER." =Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!" =Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!" =Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A' MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!" Illustration: Decimals on Deck. =Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!" =Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!" =Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!" Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union." =Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?" =Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!" _Tourist retires up, discomfited._ Illustration: _The Ulster._ =Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT! D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!" Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._" =Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?" =Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_) =Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!" Illustration: _Barometrical._ =Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A GRENADINE!" Illustration: _A Family Man._ =Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE 'EARTS!" &c., &c. _Claim allowed._ Illustration: _Unconscionable._ =Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL FOR A MONTH!" Illustration: _A Narcotic._ =Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING."