=Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!" Illustration: Little and Good. =Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?" '=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW." =Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?" '=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!" Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen." =Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?" =Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!" =Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----" =Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!" Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat. =Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL ROUND." Illustration: More Than One for His Nob. =Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!" =Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----" _Old Gent explodes._ Illustration: A Passage of Arms. =Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!" =Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!" =Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S VERY SCURFY, SIR!" =Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!" _Assailant gives in defeated_ Illustration: Flunkeianum. =Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?" =Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!" Illustration: _A Dilemma._ =Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW? 'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF ANYHOW!" _Throws up both Hands._ Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._ =Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE US TO BRIXTON." =Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED THIS MORNING, GENTS!" Illustration: Wimbledon. =The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!" Illustration: Wimbledon. =Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!" =Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O' NIGHT?" Illustration: A Hardship. =Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----" =Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!" Illustration: "Like her Impudence."