=Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!" Illustration: The Connoisseur. =Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!" =Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY." Illustration: Awful Warning! =Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!" =Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE; 'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING!!" Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._ =Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O' THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!" Illustration: Just in Time. =Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_) Illustration: _Words and Weights._ =Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!" =Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!" Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._" =Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY COW?" =Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_" Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._" =Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?" =New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!" Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._ =Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO CHAPEL?" =Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS OFTEN I CAN AVOID!" Illustration: _The New Running Drill._ (_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._) CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY. Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._ =Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT 'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!" Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct. =Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?"