[Illustration: =BROWN’S COUNTRY HOUSE.--No. 1.= _Brown (who takes a friend home to see his new purchase, and strikes a light to show it)._ “CONFOUND IT, THE BEASTLY THING’S STOPPED!”] [Illustration: =BROWN’S COUNTRY HOUSE--No. 2.= _Visitor._ “WHAT ON _EARTH_ DO YOU WANT WITH A TORTOISE?” _Mrs. Brown._ “WELL, WHEN FRED HAD THAT FRIGHTFUL ACCIDENT WITH HIS NEW MOTOR-CAR, HE SOLD IT, AND BOUGHT THE TORTOISE. SAYS IT SOOTHES HIS NERVES!”] [Illustration: =THE NEW ACT AGAIN!= _Careful Publican (to Chimney-sweep)._ “‘ERE, I CAN’T SERVE _YOU_! GO AND WASH YERSELF. I CAN’T SEE YER FACE! ’OW AM I TO KNOW AS YER NOT ON THE BLACK LIST?”] [Illustration:!!!! _Estate Agent (to Labourer’s Son)._ “HERE, MY BOY, WHERE CAN I FIND YOUR FATHER?” _Boy._ “IN THE PIG-STYE, SIR. YOU’LL KNOW HIM BY ’IS BROWN ’AT!”] [Illustration: =READY FOR THE FRAY.=] [Illustration: =AN ECHO FROM BROADWAY.= _Old Lady._ “YES--MADAM ’AS BIN A DEAR GOOD SOUL TO US POOR PEOPLE THIS COLD WEATHER. IF IT ’ADN’T ’AVE BIN FOR ’ER, SOME OF US OLD ONES WOULD ’AVE BIN NIPPED IN THE BUD!”] [Illustration: =SMART.= _Jones._ “DO YOU DRINK BETWEEN MEALS?” _Smith._ “NO. I EAT BETWEEN DRINKS.” _Jones._ “WHICH DID YOU DO LAST?” _Smith._ “DRINK.” _Jones._ “THEN WE’D BETTER GO AND HAVE A SANDWICH AT ONCE!”] [Illustration: =QUITE OF HER OPINION.= _Gushing Young Woman (to famous Actor)._ “OH, DO YOU KNOW, MR. STARLEIGH, I’M SIMPLY _MAD_ TO GO ON THE STAGE!” _Famous Actor._ “YES, I SHOULD THINK YOU _WOULD_ BE, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY!”] [Illustration: =THE GENIAL SEASON.= _Hungry-looking Acquaintance (with eye to invitation)._ “SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!” _Fat Chap (evidently doing well)._ “WRONG AGAIN, OLD MAN. I’M ENJOYING MY DINNER!”] [Illustration: =SO LIKELY!= SCENE--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ _Barmaid._ “TEA, SIR?” _Mr. Boozy._ “TEA!!! ME!!!!”] [Illustration: =A EUPHEMISM.= _Coster (to acquaintance, who has been away for some months)._ “WOT ARE YER BIN DOIN’ ALL THIS TIME?” _Bill Robbins (who has been “doing time”)._ “OH, I’VE BIN WHEELIN’ A BIT, OLE MAN--WHEELIN’ A BIT!”] [Illustration: =RATHER DIFFICULT FOR HIM.= _Jones._ “I AM NEVER AT A LOSS IN CONVERSATION.” _His Fair Hostess._ “BUT SURELY, MR. JONES, THERE MUST BE _SOME_ SUBJECTS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DO YOU DO THEN?” _Jones._ “OH, _THEN_--I SAY NOTHING, AND LOOK INTELLIGENT.”] [Illustration: =THE RULING PASSION.= _Genial Doctor (after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient’s)._ “HA! HA! HA! THERE’S NOT MUCH THE MATTER WITH _YOU_! THOUGH I DO BELIEVE THAT IF YOU WERE ON YOUR DEATH-BED YOU’D MAKE A JOKE!” _Irrepressible Patient._ “WHY, OF COURSE I SHOULD. IT WOULD BE MY LAST CHANCE!”] [Illustration: =TIT FOR TAT.= _Eccentric Old Gent (whose pet aversion is a dirty child)._ “GO AWAY, YOU DIRTY GIRL, AND WASH YOUR FACE!” _Indignant Youngster._ “_YOU_ GO ’OME, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN, AND DO YER ’AIR!”] [Illustration: =ALL THE DIFFERENCE.= “OI BE EIGHTY-FOIVE, ZUR.”