[Illustration: =BEGINNING EARLY.= “THAT NEW BOY’S A BAD BOY, TEACHER. HE SMOKES!” “NO, I DON’T SMOKE _NOW_, TEACHER. I _USED_ TO!”] [Illustration: =CANDID.= _Loafer._ “ANY CHANCE OF A JOB O’ WORK ERE, MISTER?” _Foreman._ “NO. WE’RE NOT WANTING ANY MORE HANDS NOW.” _Loafer._ “WELL, THE LITTLE BIT O’ WORK _I_’D DO WOULDN’T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE!”] [Illustration: =A DIFFERENT VIEW.= _First Workman._ “WHY DON’T YER BUY YER _OWN_ MATCHES, STEAD OF ALWAYS CADGIN’ MINE?” _Second Workman._ “YOU’RE UNCOMMON MEAN WITH YER MATCHES. I’LL JUST TAKE A FEW“--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--”AND BE HINDERPENDENT OF YER!”] [Illustration: =PARADOXICAL.= _Manager of “Freak” Show._ “HAVE I GOT A VACANCY FOR A GIANT. WHY, YOU DON’T LOOK FIVE FEET!” _Candidate._ “YES, THAT’S JUST IT. I’M THE SMALLEST GIANT ON RECORD!”] [Illustration: =DOTTYVILLE AGAIN.= _Dotty One (to gorgeous visitor, mysteriously)._ “EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS A BIT OF TOAST ABOUT YOU?” _Gorgeous Visitor._ “GREAT SCOTT! NO! WHY SHOULD I CARRY _TOAST_ ABOUT WITH ME? AND, BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?” _Dotty One (more mysteriously)._ “I’M A _POACHED EGG_, AND I’M TIRED. I WANT TO SIT DOWN!”] [Illustration: =AWKWARD.= BULL-DOGS _DO_ GET _SO_ ATTACHED TO PEOPLE!] [Illustration: =AN UNPOPULAR IDOL!= HOW BILLY AND HIS SUNDAY-SCHOOLMATES INTEND TO WREAK THEIR VENGEANCE, IF ONLY A SNOW-STORM BE PROPITIOUS ON THE EMBANKMENT SOME SUNDAY AFTERNOON ABOUT CHRISTMAS-TIME.] [Illustration: =AN EMPTY EMBRACE.= “‘ERE Y’ARE! HUMBERELLA RINGS, TWO A PENNY!”] [Illustration: =OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT.= “HULLO, GUS! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ABOUT HERE FOR?” “I’M WAITING TILL THE BANKS CLOSE. I WANT TO CASH A CHEQUE!”] [Illustration: =UNEXPECTED EFFECT.= _Snooks (who fancies himself very much)._ “WHAT’S SHE CRYING FOR?” _Arabella._ “IT’S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SHE WAS FRIGHTENED. WHEN SHE SAW _YOU_ SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A _MAN_!”] [Illustration: =RECKONING HIM UP.= _Old Lady (describing a cycling accident)._ “’E ELPED ME HUP, AN’ BRUSHED THE DUST OFF ON ME, AN’ PUT FIVE SHILLIN’ IN MY ’AND, AN’ SO I SAYS, ‘WELL, SIR, I’M SURE YOU’RE _HACTIN’_ LIKE A GENTLEMAN,’ I SAYS, ‘THOUGH I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU ARE ONE,’ I SAYS.”] [Illustration: =SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED.= “THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM.” _Hamlet_, Act III., Sc. 1.] [Illustration: =SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED.= “OH, MY PROPHETIC SOUL! MY UNCLE!” _Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.] [Illustration: =DECISIVE.= _Impecunious One (halting abruptly)._ “I BEG PARDON, SIR.” _The Accosted (moving off abruptly)._ “GRANTED. DON’T BEG ANYTHING ELSE!”] [Illustration: =AMENITIES OF THE PROFESSION.= _Rising Young Dramatist._ “SAW YOUR WIFE IN FRONT LAST NIGHT. WHAT DID SHE THINK OF MY NEW COMEDY?” _Brother Playwright._ “OH, I THINK SHE LIKED IT. SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD A GOOD LAUGH.” _R. Y. D._ “AH--ER--WHEN WAS THAT?” _B. P._ “DURING THE _ENTR’ACTE_. ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS DROPPED AN ICE DOWN HER NEIGHBOUR’S NECK.”]