_Little Effie (not at all inclined to go to sleep--to Nurse who is about to switch off the electric light)._ “OH, PLEASE, NANNA, _DON’T TURN ON THE DARK_!”] [Illustration: =AN ARTLESS QUERY.= _Mamma._ “TO-MORROW’S CHRISTMAS DAY, EFFIE DEAR, AND YOU WILL GO TO CHURCH FOR THE _FIRST_ TIME.” (_Encouragingly._) “THERE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC----” _Effie._ “OH, MUMMY DEAR, MAY I _DANCE_?”] [Illustration: =NOT A WATER DRINKER.= _Talkative Old Lady (drinking a glass of Milk, to enthusiastic Teetotaler, who is doing ditto)._ “YES, SIR, SINCE THEY’RE BEGUN POISONING THE BEER, _WE MUST_ DRINK _SOMETHING_, MUSTN’T WE?”] [Illustration: =A CONNOISSEUR.= _Old Lady (giving a very diminutive nip of Whisky to her Gardener)._ “THERE, DENNIS, THAT WHISKY IS TWENTY YEARS OLD!” _Dennis._ “IS IT _THAT_, MARM? SURE ’TIS _MIGHTY SMALL FOR ITS AGE!_”] [Illustration: =ON THE VILLAGE GREEN.= _Amateur Bowler (to Umpire)._ “HERE, I SAY! I CAN’T SEE THE WICKET. HOW CAN I BOWL HIM?” _Umpire_. “FIRE AWAY! IF YOU ’IT ’IM IN _FRONT_, IT’S ‘LEG BEFORE.’ IF YOU ’IT ’IM _BEHIND_, IT’S A ‘WIDE’!”] [Illustration: =”AN ENGLISHMAN’S HOUSE,” &c.= _Maid (looking over wall, to newly-married couple just returned from their honeymoon)._ “OH, PLEASE ’M, THAT DOG WAS SENT HERE YESTERDAY AS A WEDDING PRESENT; AND NONE OF US CAN’T GO NEAR HIM. YOU’LL HAVE TO COME IN BY THE BACK WAY!”] [Illustration: =SELF-SATISFIED.= _Little Griggs (to caricaturist)._ “BY JOVE, OLD FELLER, I WISH YOU’D BEEN WITH ME THIS MORNING; YOU’D HAVE SEEN SUCH A FUNNY LOOKING CHAP!”] [Illustration: =ANOTHER MR. WELLER.= _Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat)._ “ALLOW ME, SIR.” _Stout Party._ “NO, DON’T TROUBLE! THIS IS THE ONLY EXERCISE I EVER TAKE!”] [Illustration: =ANOTHER FROM IRELAND.= _Mrs. O’Brady._ “SHURE OI WANT TO BANK TWINTY POUNDS. CAN I DRAW IT OUT QUICK IF I WANT IT?” _Postmaster._ “INDADE, MRS. O’BRADY, YOU CAN DRAW IT OUT TO-MORROW IF YOU GIVE ME A WAKE’S NOTICE!”] [Illustration: =VANITAS.= _Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ “YUS, AND THERE’S ANOTHER HADVANTAGE IN BEIN’ A HACTRESS. YOU GET YER FORTYGRAPHS TOOK FOR NOFFINK!”] [Illustration: =BROTHERS IN ART.= _New Arrival._ “WHAT SHOULD I CHARGE FOR TEACHING ZE PIANOFORTE?” _Old Stager._ “OH, I DON’T KNOW.” _N. A._ “VELL, TELL ME VOT _YOU_ CHARGE.” _O. S._ “_I_ CHARGE FIVE GUINEAS A LESSON.” _N. A._ “HIMMEL! HOW MANY PUPILS HAVE YOU GOT?” _O. S._ “OH, I HAVE NO PUPILS!”] [Illustration: =THE NEW PLAY.= _Low Comedian._ “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NOTICE?” _Tragedian._ “NO; IS IT A GOOD ONE?” _Low Comedian._ “IT’S A FORTNIGHT’S.”] [Illustration: =QUITE ANOTHER THING.= _Conversationalist._ “DO YOU PLAY PING-PONG?” _Actor._ “NO. I PLAY _HAMLET_!”] [Illustration: =A BIG ORDER.= _Stout Party (to waitress)._ “PUT ME ON A PANCAKE, PLEASE!”] [Illustration: =INDIRECT ORATION.= “OH, IF YOU PLEASE, MUM, THERE’S NO MEAT FOR DINNER. THE BUTCHER AS BEEN AND GONE AND NEVER COME THIS MORNING!”]