Professor Tim & Paul Twyning : $b Comedies in three actsShiels, George
General
Professor Tim & Paul Twyning : $b Comedies in three acts
Shiels, George
Comedy plays; English drama -- Irish authors
_PROF. comes in with an old valise, plastered with innumerable
labels._
PROF. Gum, this old valise and me have seen some ups and downs. [_He
puts it on a chair and fumbles for the key._] I’ve dropped it in Paris,
and picked it up in Honolulu....
PEGGY. Aren’t you coming home, uncle?
PROF. It’s been stolen in London and restored to me in Japan. [_He
opens it._] A man might as well try to lose his third wife....
PEGGY. Aren’t you coming home, uncle?
PROF. [_takes out a cleft hazel rod_]. I’m going to do a little
professional work. I’ve an idea this house is built on a spring. [_He
starts prospecting for water._]
PEGGY. Uncle!
O’C. Leave him alone, Peggy. It’s interesting.
PROF. There’s water here, somewhere. [_The rod vibrates._] Wo, gal!
[_The rod dips quickly._] Gum, this is powerful! [_The rod twists itself
violently out of his hands._] Three springs converge to a point at fifty
feet, Hugh.
O’C. It must be a lake.
PROF. A lake has got no life. It’s dead. A spring has a pulse and
lives. I can hear a spring breathing.
PEGGY. Now, uncle, aren’t you coming home? You’ve done very well.
You’ve shown us up....
O’C. Yes, you’d better go home with your niece, Tim. I’ll see you
again before I go away.
PROF. Right, boss. [_He puts the rod in the valise and is going out
with PEGGY._]
O’C. If you leave your valise in the hall I’ll send Paddy over with
it.
PEGGY. Thanks, Hugh. [_She and the PROF. go out._]
O’C. [_calls_]. Are you there, Paddy?
MOLL [_off_]. Paddy’s in the stable, master. [_She comes in._] Is it
anything very urgent?
O’C. No. You can tell Paddy to take the Professor’s valise over to
Scally’s later on.
MOLL. I’ll tell him. [_Sighing_] Och, hum! I hate to break the news,
master. But the auctioneer’s coming....
O’C. I heard the car, Moll. Let him come. The sooner it’s over the
better. [_Looking out_] It’s going to rain....
MOLL [_going_]. I hope it rains heavens hard ... and drowns the
grabbers! [_Goes out._]
O’C. [_turns uncle’s portrait face to wall_]. Poor old man! You
mustn’t see the last act in this drama.
_MR. ALLISON comes in, attaché-case in hand._
ALLISON. Good morning, Mr. O’Cahan. You’ll hardly believe this. I’d
rather go a thousand miles than do this job.
O’C. I certainly don’t believe a word of it, Sam. But I quite
understand--you have to say something. Even the undertaker has to say
something.
ALLISON. Perhaps you’ll believe this. I take no special pleasure in
selling you up.
O’C. That’s better. You’ve no respect of person. The sale’s the
thing.
ALLISON. You’re cynical.
O’C. Just the least bit. But you can believe this, Sam. If there’s
anything in it, since it has to be sold anyhow, I’d rather see you here
than anyone else.
ALLISON. Thanks, Hugh. I know it.... James Kilroy is going to buy it.
O’C. So I’m told.
ALLISON. Have you anyone here to run it up on him?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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