_Alan._ Oh, _I_ will arrange that. I will hire a dog-cart in the village; and we must meet in a lane, or a field, or something. And you must say you have been to teach the orphan boy to sew or something. It would be too sweet! _Viola._ But--Master ROY---- _Alan._ _Don't_ call me Master ROY. Call me ALAN--when no one is listening. _Viola._ ALAN--wouldn't it be much simpler, merely to say we were going for a drive, and to order the carriage? _Alan._ Then where's your mystery? _Viola._ Very well! Then _mind_ you don't tell anyone! _Alan._ Not tell anyone, Mrs. TRAVERS! But what's the use of a secret if one doesn't tell it to everyone? _Viola._ Oh! _Alan._ I was only joking, dear Mrs. TRAVERS. At three, then.... Sh-sh! (_He picks up her fan with the air of a conspirator._) If I think of anything else, I'll write a little note, and put it under the clock on that mantelpiece. Shall I? _Viola._ What fun! But would it be safe? _Alan._ Would you rather we corresponded in the _Times_ about it, Mrs. TRAVERS? _Viola._ You're making fun of the whole thing. [_She pouts, &c. He shows by her Line of Fate that all will be well._ _Mrs. Averidge_ (_to herself_). Well of all the dull houses I ever stayed at!... Piquet in the drawing-room, chants in the billiard-room, palmistry with Infant Phenomenons on the Terrace!... It's quite true, too, what that affected little VANE girl said--the colour _is_ trying.... I'll never come here again! [_Retires to her room in disgust._ * * * * * "HECKLING."--At a meeting of the supporters of Mr. MURRAY, Master of Elibank, the Liberal candidate for West Edinburgh, the following "heckle" took place:-- "_Mr. Guy._ Seeing you approve of Home Rule all round, what is the smallest number of Parliaments the United Kingdom would require? (_Laughter and a Voice:_ 'Send it back to Parliament Square.') _The Master of Elibank._ I think that is a question which can be settled by an ordinary addition sum. (_Cheers and laughter._)" Which shows that the Master is a real Master of Arts as well as of Elibank, and, as regards platform difficulties, good at getting out. But whether he is equally good at "getting in" the future must decide. A slippery customer, evidently, is Mr. MURRAY, and his title ought to be "the Master of Eely-bank!" * * * * * A REAL "MAN OF THE TIMES."--_Mr. Punch_ congratulates Dr. W. H. RUSSELL, endeared to his friends and companions-in-arms as "BILLY RUSSELL," on his becoming Sir WILLIAM HOWARD RUSSELL, Knight of the Pen. _Prosit!_ * * * * * SCOTCH JUNKETING.--A "Curd Fair" has been held, as usual, at Kilmarnock, and the number of excursionists who left the town, both by road and rail, is said to have been very large. Well, of course a Curd Fair naturally leads to a number of whey-farers! * * * * *