[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS ON DERBY DAY. (_With Apologies to W. Frith._)] * * * * * AFTER THE PLAY. _Junior Playgoer._ Why is it called _The Prude's Progress_. I didn't see any Prude, did you? _Elderly Playgoer._ No; and no Progress. Slow. CYRIL MAUDE and FANNY BROUGH quite the life and soul of the piece. _Jun. P._ High premium wanted to insure its life, eh? RIGHTON good all round man? _Eld. P._ Very much all round. PLAYFAIR'S part recalled WYNDHAM jotting down mems. on shirt-cuff. _Jun. P._ Yes; somehow it all reminded me of various pieces I've seen. _Eld. P._ Quite so. Remember old pantomime song?-- "A little piece here, and a little piece there, Here a piece, and there a piece, And everywhere a piece." _Jun. P._ And it might finish with author--no (_refers to programme_)--authors, JEROME and PHILPOTT, singing-- "We are two merry, merry men, Nobody precisely can find us out." _Eld. P._ Exactly. Good night old boy. Better luck next time. [_Exeunt severally._ * * * * * THAT TELEGRAM. (_Some Yildiz Comments on a Recent Editorial Exploit._) _Mashallah!_ Am I, the Full Moon That Blazeth in Heaven Like Anything, to be bested by a Penny Journalist, a Feringhee Writer of the Thing that is Not, a Gazetteer who is Ac-cust? Shall I, the Padishah Whose Piano-playing Edifieth the Distant Constellations, submit to be out-man[oe]uvred in my own particular line by an Unbelieving Dog, a Giaour of Giaours? What though he be Lord of Lo Ben and of a Hundred Press-carts, he shall learn that a Concocter of Copy is no match for The Unspeakable One! _Inshallah!..._ What ho! Summon the Grand Vizier, and let the Chief Bowstringer be in attendance! Bring in the medicated coffee for one, and _rahat lakoum_ for two!... What saith the dog of a dragoman? The Infidel Frank refuseth the mark of My very distinguished Favour, the Medjidieh of the Fourth Class? Will not _that_ stop his accursed inquisitiveness? Or doth he wish for an Osmanieh, set in brilliants? Ingleez though he be, he must have his price!... No? He will _not_ take an Osmanieh, not even of the First Class!! Ah, perhaps he will _give_, if he will not take? Times are hard, and there is that Russian indemnity. Nay, it need but take the form of an Irredeemable _Loan_, or a Mortgage on the flourishing revenues of Our most prosperous province of Arabia Felix. We sorely need a new ironclad or two, for Our boilers are rusting badly, and Our keels are rotting beyond repair at their anchorage in the Bosphorus....