[Illustration: A SPECIAL LINE OP DANCING PUMPS IN THE BOOT DEPARTMENT. _Shopman._ "I THINK YOU'LL FIND THEM FIT, SIR, WHEN THE FOOT HAS WORKED DOWN INTO THEM. WILL YOU TRY A TURN, SIR? MADAME PAVLOVINA, FORWARD, PLEASE!"] [Illustration: A SPECIAL FEATURE OF THE GENT'S READY-TO-WEAR CLOTHING DEPARTMENT WILL BE THE ATTENDANCE, DAILY, OF A SUPER-"NUT" (FROM THE GAIETY OR DALY'S), WHO WILL GIVE FREE ADVICE TO EACH PURCHASER OF EASTER OUTFITS.] * * * * * [Illustration: _Golfer (who has just been run over_). "GEE! WHAT LUCK! THAT WAS A NEAR THING. THEY MIGHT HAVE BROKEN MY PET CLEEK."] * * * * * BALLAD OF THE WATCHFUL EYE. ["In this crisis the best we can do is to keep our eye on Mr. Asquith."--"_The Daily Chronicle's" report of Lord SAYE AND SELE at Worthing._] O keep your eye on DAVID, The demigod of Wales, Before whose furious onset Dukes turn their timid tails; Whom Merioneth mystics Praise in delirious distichs, And matched with whose statistics MUNCHAUSEN'S glory pales. O keep your eye on WINSTON, And mind you keep it tight, For nearly every Saturday You'll find he takes to flight; Now eloquent and thrilling, Now simply cheap and filling, And now bent on distilling The purest Party spite. O keep your eye on HALDANE, Ex-Minister of War, The sleek and supple-minded And suave Lord Chancellor, Whose brain, so keen and subtle, Moves swifter than a shuttle, Obscuring, like the cuttle, Things that were plain before. O keep your eye on MORLEY (Well-known as "Honest John"), The peccant paragrapher Who still is holding on; But, though his strange position Excited some suspicion, We've CURZON'S frank admission Of joy he hasn't gone. O keep your eye on LULU Who Greater Britain sways From distant Woolloomooloo To Nova Scotia's bays; Whose sumptuous urbanity, Combined with well-groomed sanity And freedom from profanity, Stirs DAVID'S deep amaze. O keep your eye on BIRRELL, So wholly free from guile, Conspicuous by his absence From Erin's peaceful isle; Who wakes from floor to rafter The House to heedless laughter, Careless of what comes after Can he but raise a smile. O keep your eye on MASTERMAN, Dear DAVID'S henchman leal, Whose piety and "uplift" Make ribald Tories squeal; In every public function Displaying the conjunction Of perfect moral unction With perfect Party zeal. Last, keep your eye on ASQUITH, And he will bring you through, No matter what his colleagues May say or think or do; For in the dirtiest weather He moulted not a feather, And safely kept together His variegated crow. * * * * * The Siamese Twin.