_March 21._--Latest advices from Tipperusalem give a reassuring account of Madame Titipoff's progress. On Thursday she was allowed to sit up for half an hour, and she ate a beefsteak with evident zest. On learning that the canned oyster vendor had been tarred and feathered, Madame Titipoff at once announced her intention of dancing on the following night. _March 22._--A despatch just received from M. Gordkin's agent at Sydney announces that the famous artist's temperature is now normal and his pulse steady at 60. The cause of his recent trivial indisposition was a hostile criticism in a local paper, but with the dismissal of the critic the incident is now regarded as closed, and M. Gordkin will resume his saltatorial activities in a day or two. _March 23._--The news of Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff's accident happily turns out to have been exaggerated. Her kneecaps were not fractured, but two hairpins became detached from her chevelure while she was performing a protracted pirouette. The famous _danseuse_ is rehearsing a new galvanic dance, and marmalade shares are again firm. * * * * * "It is learned officially that Their Excellencies are delighted with the climate, which appears to agree with Lady Chalmers, as well as with the scenery." _The Ceylon Morning Leader._ Of course it has known the scenery longer. * * * * * STANZAS WRITTEN IN DEJECTION BEFORE MATRIMONY. (_A complaint has been voiced in the Press that uncommon wedding presents are getting much too common._) We fixed our hymeneal day, Bespoke our nuptial cates And summoned to the solemn fray The necessary glum array Of kin and intimates. And the more part in their degree Gave gladly gifts of pride, Tall silver ships, complete with sea, And birds of aureate filigree, Pearl-winged and opal-eyed. Sheffield they gave, a grievous load, And Chelsea, flower'd and spruce, And antique thingummies in spode; The only thing that none bestowed Was anything of use. Fled is the hope we built too soon Of some sub-tropic trek; Farewell, O azure honeymoon, The dull but necessary spoon Claims the paternal cheque. * * * * * Our Latest Cinema Poster. "WHEN THE EARTH TREMBLED For six days at great expense." The longest earthquake on record. * * * * * [Illustration: NEPTUNE'S ALLY. (_The FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY calls in a new element to redress the balance of the old._) * * * * * [Illustration: ULSTER, DAY BY DAY: MONDAY. "Now, gents, what offers for this really prime Irish pig? Guaranteed by Mr. DEVLIN. You may examine its points as soon as you've bought it." [No business.]] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)