If the notice had been put a little less politely I should have ignored it; but I can refuse nothing to those who are kind to me, so I refrained from lighting up, and contented myself with looking round to see if there was a rear seat vacant. There wasn't. A cluster of happy, smoking faces confronted me. I turned round again, and wished I had learnt to take snuff. "Cheer-o, Bert!" said a refined voice just behind my ear, and at the same moment a walking-stick playfully tapped the head of the young fellow sitting next to me. My neighbour faced about, kicked me on the shin, dug the point of his umbrella into my calf, knocked off my _pince-nez_ with his newspaper, and spread himself over the back of the seat. "'Allo, Alf!" he said. "Thought it must 've been you. Look 'ere, I want to see you----" "Perhaps," I interrupted, "your friend would like to change places with me. Then you can scrutinise him at your ease--and mine." "You're a sport," remarked Bert. He spoke truly. Little did he guess he was addressing a Double-Blue--bowls and quoits. Alf and I changed places, and my attention at once became absorbed by a notice headed BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS. I had just reached the exciting part when two girls arrived on the landing. "There aren't two together; we shall have to divide," I heard one say. "Excuse me," I said, rising. "Don't divide. I'll get into a single seat if you care to take this double one." I was rewarded with the now almost obsolete formula of "Thank you," and moved a seat further back. Here I found some fresh reading material provided for me in the shape of a notice to the effect that PASSENGERS ARE WARNED NOT TO PUT THEIR ARMS OVER THE SIDE OF THE BUS. When I had probed its beauties to the utmost depth I again turned round to see if there was a vacant seat among the smokers. To my joy I saw one. Quickly I rose and hastened to secure it, but at the same moment the bus turned a sharp corner and I sustained a violent blow on the back of my head which left me half-stunned. The conductor, who had just appeared on deck to collect fares, helped me to my feet. Then he rounded on me. "Why don't you read the notices?" he said by way of peroration. "Then it wouldn't've 'appened." "The notices?" I repeated, handing him my fare. "I've done nothing else but read notices ever since I got on this wretched reading-room. I know where I may smoke and where I may not. I know that I must beware of pickpockets, and I know that I mustn't waggle my arms over the side-rails. Further, I have read Mr. Pinkerton's personal assurance that his Pills are the Best. If I'd had more time I daresay I should have worked my passage to the notice you refer to. I haven't reached it yet." "Look 'ere," said the conductor, thrusting me into the vacant smoker's seat and pointing with what I at first took to be a saveloy, but which upon closer inspection proved to be his fore-finger, "what does that say?--